Today's session was a tough one. I cried the whole way home and it made me think about some things that I buried deep down, and reminded me later that I move too fast and need to slow down. I need to slow down and enjoy life. So before I went home I had to go to the Vitamin Shoppe and get my super food drink mix and ostrich jerky, I took it back to the house and got my head phones and headed to the park to hike.
I never really took into consideration it was 91 degrees out side but its a shaded path so I figured no biggie. I started out slow thinking about mom and what I had discussed in therapy and with every thought my pace quickened. It was almost like I was running from it. So 0.6 miles in I decide to take the 1 mile rocky trail loop. The rocky trail loop should be called the ".6 mile uphill covered in spider webs butt kicker with a .4 mile down hill teaser before you hit more hills" I guess that's too long though. So the deeper I get into it the faster I feel myself walking, the more I am thinking about my anger and things I had buried so deep that were coming out that hurt to think of......and I kept pushing...faster and faster.
.5 into the Rocky Trail I was covered in sweat and feeling very tired and overwhelmed but I knew I still had at least 1.3 miles to get back to my car. I could feel my chest getting tight and still I pushed and pushed. I came upon a bench and sat for maybe 2 min. I took a picture of a moss covered sink hole, almost a hallway of rock... I should have sat there and studied its beauty a little longer. I however, did not do that. I got back up and at the same brisk pace kept going. It was almost as if something was chasing me but no one was there. I felt like I was running from something, wearing myself down with every step.
Almost to the end of the mile loop I was beginning to become paranoid and was questioning if I could even get to the end. It was a mix of thinking about my anger and wearing it out of me, and knowing I needed to slow down. I always need to slow down but I don't. I feel like I am running from something that I buried and out of respect have kept buried down deep. Today, some of it came out... and it led to me having a panic attack on a hike that I have done with ease several times before. I'm not sure if any of the people who read my blog have had panic and anxiety issues, my mom would be so ashamed of me even sharing this... but I am imperfect I have flaws and I want to share them so I can be at ease with myself and get to a point where I can say, "you know what this is who I am, and my whole bag of crazy, and I do not need your approval". This blog entry is the beginning of that.
Back to my panic attack... my chest was tight my arms and legs were numb, my face was all tingly but like the idiot I am I got in my car took two deep breaths and proceed to drive home I just want to get home. I tried to talk myself down freaking out ... is this the beginning of a heat stroke, oh God is it a heart attack? Of course this just makes it worse so I called Lee and talked to him the whole way back, toying with the idea of pulling over and letting it pass. Instead like I do in my personal life I kept pushing to get where I felt I needed to be. I got home and took two xanax and 15 min later I started coming down from the mess I got myself in . I cooled off took a cold shower and laid down and cried and cried and cried. How can the death of my parents do this? I feel like I am walking this chaotic path and I can't let myself slow down. I can't control the emotion, guilt, anger, sadness.... I just feel like in therapy I touch lightly on something that has been buried down deep that the death of my mom flipped the switch on.
I feel like in my moms death it was cemented that I would never be good enough for her, fast enough to meet her needs, and neglecting my own to meet hers was never enough. My mom was a good supportive friend to all of her friends and people who came into her life, but nothing I ever did was recognized to me or good enough, or even validated. This pain that I have pushed down for so many years is rearing its ugly head. While I shouldn't feel like it's my fault, I have been trained to accept the blame. Now I have to start all over again and not only forgive her but myself too. Am I good enough? Was the care I gave to my mom really good enough. She told me before she went into hospice and started losing consciousness that I was a terrible caretaker. I was running away from helping her b/c I wanted to continue to work part-time and get a sitter when I was at work. That wasn't good enough for her, it was going to be me and me alone and I was given no other option in her eyes. So being the daughter who has always sought to please her I gave it all up. It was still not good enough. She told me once, a week before she died when I kissed her bald head that she loved me. Any other time when I would ask her if she did she wouldn't answer, then the kids would tell her they loved her and she would tell them she loved them too. It makes me feel like I was never good enough when all I ever wanted from her was to feel an honest true love.
This song about sums it up. I broke today, maybe it was a bad choice to hike, but I feel completely whipped... like I did back in the triathlon days. I would get to the end and feel like sleeping for a week. But all I can do is cry when all I want to do is accept the things that won't change and find the peace I so desperately crave... and be happy with me, who I am. I am silly, I love fun, I love to help those who need it, I love to enjoy life and I haven't in so long. I want to be me. The little girl that daddy said was perfect in every way and to never let anyone make me feel less than that.
http://youtu.be/XEH7fw298CM
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