I do not want to let the hurt of losing my parents consume me and make me come out of it a person that I am not meant to be. What do I want to be when I emerge from this... I know I will be different, it's like planting a seed but its up to me to become a flower or a weed. Totally just made a rhyme... but I know I am going to be changed forever. I am not sure if people really think about that when they lose someone that was such a big part of their life. I read something this afternoon that said, " maybe the journey isn't becoming something different but unbecoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place". This is how I feel about coming to terms with my feelings towards mom. I always tried to be everything she wanted me to be so I would feel accepted... somewhere along the way I feel like I lost who I am.
I am really going to have to work through my relationship with her. We had some good times but all in all our relationship was really strained once I became an adult. I think a great deal of my portion was anger I had buried and how I felt many times I was the target of her insecurities. When I knew she was dying I felt like it was my chance to help her come to peace with the demons that she had dealt with for so long. Logic and experience say you can't change others they can only change themselves, but in my heart I really wanted to give her some peace.
I am holding on to so much guilt b/c I wasn't successful. It's silly to think that I know, but I wanted to experience some peace between us before she left me. There were several days I went to talk to her when she was awake to tell her how I felt and how I wished we could find some comfort. I also wanted her to know how much I loved her and how special she was to me. When I stopped to let her respond it was met with nothing. It was crushing to feel that silence. I felt like a child begging for some acceptance... just something to let me know it mattered, or that I mattered. I felt rejected, yet I still went back in and continued. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, but Acts 20 :35 says In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ .... I did want to receive validation, but more importantly I wanted to give her a love that she was scared to give to me. I had hoped in that ...the light bulb would go off. Luke 6:31 says "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." People who knew about our relationship who wondered why I took the charge of her care would ask why... why would you subject yourself to more pain, my answer was that scripture. I know my mom loved me ... she told many people things she never told me in the end about how awesome I am.... but she didn't tell me. Maybe I should have started the topic with her sooner. I was just always scared of her or what she would say.
I could say that I did everything I could and let that be ok but it's not what I wanted and I am not sure how to let myself be ok with that. Mom was treated the same way by her mother but a little worse. She didn't do the physical harm, and not much of the harsh emotional harm... but what I did get that wasn't corrected made me feel so unworthy of love. I felt in someways I wasn't worth the love and in that, I made friendships with people who I let take advantage of me.. I felt like that was what I deserve. But it's not. I don't deserve that. I do forgive mom, I used to be a type of person that had a hard time forgiving but a sermon set me straight on that topic. How can I expect forgiveness (b/c I wasn't always an angel) if I can't forgive... but I want to feel ok or at least not feel as if it was my fault or that I was a failure. I wish I had more time or the courage to mend things sooner... which leads me to the song I will end my blog with. Oasis, Don't go Away... I mean who doesn't love them and its really the song version of how I feel.
http://youtu.be/Ab1nJg4RKw0
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