So as my friends and family know my mom passed away June 20th. So begins the steps of grieving. I seem to be trapped in the anxiety phase. I have been seeing a therapist for several months now and he suggested I start dealing with my feelings through a journal. This is it, my journal... although honestly a big part of me is dreading facing this. I have been able to set it aside for 9 months and now that mom is gone and I have no sick person in sight to care for to distract me, it's at the door knocking it down slowly ready to envlope me.
Sounds exciting right? Yeah nope. It's now almost been a month since mom died and I feel like I have been just basically going through the motions of the days. Hours turn to days, to weeks, a month... how did I get here? Now it comes... the questions, What is going to happen to me now? I have always had a plan. Who will be my north? Who will be my compass? I know I am not a co-dependant perason but maybe in someways I am? I guess I never realized how much I needed my parents until they were gone. I cherished my relationship with daddy, but I expected it to last longer. He was a father not only to me but to my children. My daughter and I talked about it on the way home Tuesday. She is so locked up in her grief, but admitted that my dad was more of a daddy to her than her father. She said in a way she feels as if she lost a father. Several of my friends felt the same about him.
I am terrified. I can't say I have ever really been this scared. You have these two ppl you see as being invinceable and helping to guide you along the way and both in under a year are gone. They won't be back, they won't answer the phone and life as I have known it is upside down. I want to open the door tomorrow and walk outside, feel the sun on my face, and everything be as it was; or at least step out of this funk. Even after everything I went through with mom one would think I should be more of a patient person but I am only a little improved. I want this sadness to wash over me fast and life go back as it was with a different path that I am travelling and it all be ok. But I am not there. I am in the shock and awe phase. It's mine and mine alone. My sadness isn't like my daughter's or son's ... I want the security I had as a child when mom and dad were home tucking me in and I could close my eyes and sleep with ease knowing they were there. Even 3 years ago when I was still a single mom, I knew they were there. Maybe not tucking me in anymore but there.
Usually when I have a bunch of issues I make a list of the ones I should fix first from greatest to smallest... but these are all great in the same manner. Its confusing to explain and confusing to feel. I thought that when mom passed I would feel this great freedom. Not yet. I feel so flawed not that I wasn't before but I feel it in a way I have never experienced. I am forced to face adulthood and growing old, I am forced to face my own mortality. That in and of itself is pretty horrible on its own.
With this blog/journal I am going to post the music that I listen to while I type. Music is therapy as well for me. I didn't come from this musical type family that many of my friends have but daddy was a drummer like me and could play guitar. He is where my love for music came from and where I learned that it can in a way be therapy for your soul. A way to connect... it's what I have now to still feel my connection with him... and remember dancing on his feet to "My Girl" , air drumming with him, singing with him.... the memory of his face when I was on the drumline in school and walking alongside of of us while leading the rest of the band through a cadence. Boy he sure would get pumped and talk about how proud of me he was for days, that turned into weeks, that turned into months, then years...and I wish I had it back.
http://youtu.be/bTR1ckX62W8 / People that you must remember.
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