Last night was the first time I reached for the phone to call mom and I had to stop myself. The woman who had babysat me so long ago when I was really little found me on Facebook and emailed me. After we exchanged a few emails she called me and we had such a great talk. When I was a kid she was who I wanted to be like when I grew up. I never forgot about her and she never forgot about us. Mom taught her how to paint and she studied art in college. I know mom would have been so tickled to know that. I wanted to call her so bad to tell her we had reconnected but couldn't.
Then I had a dream I was working at CVS again with my staff that was there from the get go. Someone had called in a script for my mom and I said that can't be she passed away. The dr. said well she wanted to be cloned but now her clone is dying. So people were asking me when the funeral was going to be and it was around Christmas so everyone wanted to schedule around it. I called dad and he was still alive and confused not knowing what was going on with mom. He had also thought she passed. When I was on the phone with him in my dream I didn't want to get off. I just wanted to keep listening to his voice.
I have no idea what that dream meant. It has however, made me feel somewhat crappy and cryish today. I keep thinking about all of it and just burst with tears. I can't understand it all. I don't know what phase this is but its like 1 month in and I am a puddle of emotion. I want to move on so bad but I feel so stuck. I feel like this cloud above my head is never going to move on. I hate feeling like this. I miss my mom and dad. It's not fair and I don't know what I did to deserve this. If that is even how it works. I want my daddy. I want a hug from my dad so bad. It feels like that is the one thing that would let me know it is going to be ok. Mom's last words to me were "I'm sorry" and "It's going to be okay", how long will it take for me to feel okay.
I'm not a patient person and I feel like so much bad has happened so soon back to back, when is the good going to find its way back in. It just feels like everything is all wrong. I mean it is. My kids are at their dads, he is a jerk, they both hate going over there and it makes me miserable knowing they aren't happy and feel like they have to fake it so they won't be emotionally punished. Ugh I just hate where I am at right now. I know I need to get out and start my life back and nothing good will happen if I don't, but I just can't muster up the energy to do it. I just feel like such a joykill right now. I miss them so much and knowing its going to be a long time for me before I see them again makes it hard.
Today I am listening to "Fix You" it pretty much sums it up for today
http://youtu.be/pY9b6jgbNyc
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