Wish I could call y'all

http://youtu.be/CuDqHtAR6L8?list=AL94UKMTqg-9C2X47VYa0ZOwB4yTRUECzj...

I put the link to the song I listen to when I type this stuff out first b/c for me it just sums it up when you listen while you read.

Today I passed my real estate exam. On my first go at it I scored 100% on both the state and national exam. I was so nervous... the questions were nothing like all of the practice exams I took on line... it was completely alien. I want to call my daddy and mom so bad. Aside from being a mom (which is the most important thing and biggest job I have ever craved for in my life) this is the very first thing I saw through 100%. I started college and got pretty far... but didn't finish, it was more important to be a mommy once I found out I was preggers at 23.... But this... it scared me, it challenged my patients... and I saw it through. I plan on building my career around it and rocking it out like nobodies business. I can promise I will be the best most proactive I have ever been at any job b/c I worked, suffered, and beat the odds to get this licence.

Yet............................. When I walked out........................... I felt such a heaviness in my heart b/c I wanted to call daddy and tell him... "Hey my ADD butt finally saw it through... I DID IT AND I DID IT BIG!!!"  Man he would be so proud... he wouldn't be shocked... I know mom would have been proud too. Maybe there is something about the dying process where you can see what is going to happen, but when I went the first time and my drivers licence had the wrong name and I couldn't test, before I left, I asked mom.. "do you think I will pass", to which she answered.. "no".                                                  That space represents me being taken aback... but, she was right, I didn't pass I didn't even get to test. Weird, I guess in some way she kinda knew. But, I was heartbroken that I felt I didn't have the support from the one person I wanted it from the most. In a way I suppose its true that moms know most everything.... about their kids.  Today however, I wished I could have just been able to call and share it with them.

I for the first time in a very long time, experienced not only some peace, but a sense of pride in myself. I have rarely been able to allow me to be proud of myself and today, I accomplished something I busted my bootie for... in a time when I am sad and in a not so great place I pushed through. It took a lot, and I did it and I found a strength I didn't know I had. I am proud of me, I have never been so proud of myself, and I wish they could have been here to share it with me. If I could tell my daddy anything in this moment it would be... Thank you for the strength you gave me and the tenacity to believe in myself. If I could tell my mom anything it would be, rejoice with me... b/c you made me, you gave me life, you gave me my stubbornness to not give up.  I couldn't have done this on my own, without the wonderful things my parents instilled in me... I wish they were here to answer my call and share this with me.

I just wanted to save her...

I do not want to let the hurt of losing my parents consume me and make me come out of it a person that I am not meant to be. What do I want to be when I emerge from this... I know I will be different, it's like planting a seed but its up to me to become a flower or a weed. Totally just made a rhyme... but I know I am going to be changed forever. I am not sure if people really think about that when they lose someone that was such a big part of their life. I read something this afternoon that said, " maybe the journey isn't becoming something different but unbecoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place". This is how I feel about coming to terms with my feelings towards mom. I always tried to be everything she wanted me to be so I would feel accepted... somewhere along the way I feel like I lost who I am.

I am really going to have to work through my relationship with her. We had some good times but all in all our relationship was really strained once I became an adult. I think a great deal of my portion was anger I had buried and how I felt many times I was the target of her insecurities. When I knew she was dying I felt like it was my chance to help her come to peace with the demons that she had dealt with for so long. Logic and experience say you can't change others they can only change themselves, but in my heart I really wanted to give her some peace. 

I am holding on to so much guilt b/c I wasn't successful. It's silly to think that I know, but I wanted to experience some peace between us before she left me. There were several days I went to talk to her when she was awake to tell her how I felt and how I wished we could find some comfort. I also wanted her to know how much I loved her and how special she was to me. When I stopped to let her respond it was met with nothing. It was crushing to feel that silence. I felt like a child begging for some acceptance... just something to let me know it mattered, or that I mattered. I felt rejected, yet I still went back in and continued. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, but Acts 20 :35 says In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ .... I did want to receive validation, but more importantly I wanted to give her a love that she was scared to give to me. I had hoped in that ...the light bulb would go off. Luke 6:31 says "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." People who knew about our relationship who wondered why I took the charge of her care would ask why... why would you subject yourself to more pain, my answer was that scripture. I know my mom loved me ... she told many people things she never told me in the end about how awesome I am.... but she didn't tell me. Maybe I should have started the topic with her sooner. I was just always scared of her or what she would say.

I could say that I did everything I could and let that be ok but it's not what I wanted and I am not sure how to let myself be ok with that. Mom was treated the same way by her mother but a little worse. She didn't do the physical harm, and not much of the harsh emotional harm... but what I did get that wasn't corrected made me feel so unworthy of love. I felt in someways I wasn't worth the love and in that, I made friendships with people who I let take advantage of me.. I felt like that was what I deserve. But it's not. I don't deserve that. I do forgive mom, I used to be a type of person that had a hard time forgiving but a sermon set me straight on that topic. How can I expect forgiveness (b/c I wasn't always an angel) if I can't forgive... but I want to feel ok or at least not feel as if it was my fault or that I was a failure. I wish I had more time or the courage to mend things sooner... which leads me to the song I will end my blog with. Oasis, Don't go Away... I mean who doesn't love them and its really the song version of how I feel.

http://youtu.be/Ab1nJg4RKw0

Almost Football Time in Tennessee

Only 35 Days until college football season starts. One thing daddy always said was college football was the purest form of the sport. Guys are playing their heart out to go pro and that is the incentive. They aren't being paid, they love the sport, they bust their butts... college football is the best. It was hard last year watching it without daddy. If I wasn't watching it with dad we were calling each other through the game or after. Then before church started we would sit in the pew the next day and complain about bad coaching lol. When I was a little girl I would sit in his lap and watch whatever sport he was watching. It was mainly baseball, but I was always there with him when it was on. 

Daddy would take me to most of the Braves games he went to b/c he said I was his lucky charm. 9 times out of 10 when he took me they would win. Even when they were the baby blues and sucked worse than any team out there.... aside of the Angels maybe. He had this chair that he always sat in that he got from his dad. It is really the only thing I want from moms if I had to pick just 1 thing. Its old and worn, but its the sports chair and I wouldn't change it.  My most favorite of all memories is being a little girl sitting in his lap listening to Skip Carey call the games. I can hear the crickets chirping in the window that was next to where we sat and feel the warm breeze blow in. I never felt more safe and loved. Most of the time didn't stay awake after the 7th inning stretch but I always made myself stay awake so I could sing " take me out to the ball game" with daddy.

Going to the games was a whole different bag of chips. I am pretty sure daddy would at least start one stadium sweeping wave per game at Fulton County Stadium. He taught me how to heckle and not get kicked out lol, and taught me everything one would need to know about the game. Then when it was time to sing he always picked me up and held me while we sang. We even got on the jumbotron a couple of times. 

In 5 weeks the 1 year anniversary of his passing and his birthday will be upon me. Every day I think this time last year daddy was still here. That small comfort is fixing to expire and now its time to get used to it. 

Growing up my daddy used to always say, you go to your mom with all of your problems sometimes I wish you could come to me, so I did and he had my back ever since. If I was being picked on by an ex-husband, a boss, a friend, well just being picked on I knew he would take up for me even if I didn't need it. When I was 18 I was working at a hotel as the front desk clerk. I against policy gave my drunk friends a room one night so they would stay off the streets and not get into a wreck or a DUI. I was later fired for it and my dad called up there and raised hell! He always got so dang furious when he felt like I was being treated poorly....and I don't mean a little mad....flames coming from his ears!! Who would I be if it wasn't for his support?

I think I would be a shell of a woman, I think I would still be married to a person who treated me horribly for years, or worse a spinster b/c I had no confidence. My dad has always made me feel like I am important and I have a voice. He always told me it's okay to be silly and to always be who I am not what someone wanted me to be b/c who I am is how God made me.  He has been one of my biggest supports even if he didn't agree with why he was supporting me, maybe he's not the perfect parent but he has been perfect for me!  

http://youtu.be/EKbOtWeAEnY

So tired of being tired... I just want to sleep

So the past few nights I have been tyring to go to sleep without taking melatonin, or an anti-anxiety med...b/c lemme tell ya, my anxiety is through the roof. Why is that exactly? One would think it wouldn't be right, I mean I'm not working as of yet, I am not watching a parent slowly die daily, (although the memory is still there) so why am I so tense? What is it going to take for me to be still? It is the stillness that I can't seem to grasp. Take for example my panic hike Tuesday. It was more like a run and something that I wanted to be a tool to clear my head ended up making things worse.  How do I learn to slow down and quiet the mental chatter? While I am sure I don't, sometimes I compare what I have been through in the past 2 years to a series of events that would lead me to have PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I mean why not? I'm not therapist I almost got done with school to be one but decided I wanted to be a mommy more than that, so here is my arm chair daily deduction of myself. I think in a way I do have a smidgen of that... with a side of typical Keleigh who lives life at Warp Speed, talks fast, walks fast, cooks fast, (I was actually trying to see if I could cut me 30 min morning yoga routine down to 15 to save time and get all the moves in.....redic!) just always all the time go go gO GO....and then pray to actually sleep. I keep on the move for several reasons one big one is not slowing down and getting lazy. Lazy is something that scares me. I think all this going and doing is burning calories so that's good.... but I don't feel better. The whole PTSD thing... well watching 2 parents die in one year and being an active care taker and dealing with the fall out is pretty darned traumatic. I wasn't dodging bullets over seas but I feel shell shocked.

One would think that with all of this free time I would be an idiot not to take it to learn how to slllooooooowwwwww down. Sadly, I really don't know how. Mom was the exact same way... daddy was at the other end of the spectrum, now I want to figure out how to bring those two extremes together. I think I keep my brain on ludicrous speed (Space Balls) to not allow the troubles I have gone through in. It's really hard to think about it. I was getting one of my free massages yesterday and all I could do was lay there and think about all of this chaos in my head. It's literally like a bunch of midgets MMA fighting in my head.

One of the midgets is my mom and all of the unresolved problems she and I had. Just for future reference to mom's friends who made read my blog... I mean no disrespect to her or her memory however you hold it. I imagine it is a good loving memory... I wish I had more of those. Sometimes its just as hard to be a daughter as it is to be a mother. Sometimes when how you were raised controls how you wanted to be raised parents say things and do things to the ones closest to them that hurt. I loved my mom dearly I gave up everything she wanted me to so I could care for her. Mom had even admitted many times she was not a care taker. To her friends she was. I can think of a time where they would call and she would leave the hospital with daddy on life support to go be there for them. Even before daddy had his surgery it was the same, she came to the hospital the day I had my son and never came back b/c she had a close friend going through an emotional time. I sat there for 5 days alone b/c my husband wanted to work and not take off, my mom would have rather had been with a friend, my mother-in-law was taking care of her dying husband at the time, and my dad needed a ride. He at least called me every day.

But I think about stuff like that. As a mom, I would talk to my friend on the phone when I had finished with my family. Family comes first! Then friends.... it was never like that for me. When my mom died I was left feeling like I was never good enough for her. Although, I tried my best to make her proud I think maybe I was too much like daddy and being as soft hearted as I am it hurts to feel like this. I want to feel loved. Don't we all want to feel loved? My first husband never showed me a true love. I was of no importance to him aside from breeding. Mom just thought he hung the moon. Even after he raped me she said I need to do what I can to fix it for the kids. This is where I am different. I would have been in jail for attempted butt kicking with a aluminum bat to the head if a man did that to my girl. He raped me 3 times before I made him move into another part of the house. Mom wouldn't let daddy say a word. He wanted to kill him, but mom wanted to keep the peace. A part of me felt like she want to see me in pain. Why would she not try to help? Why would she not let daddy? I was ashamed and embarrassed and the reaction I got put a wall around my heart that I wish I never allowed to be built.

So that is just scratching the surface of my mom's midget... another one is basic stress from what I have gone through and grief. In case I haven't said it a million times... I miss my daddy so bad. I don't know what part of grief I am in b/c its been put off then dumped back on me so much I feel a real confusion. Then there is the midget that guilt's me and makes me second guess everything that would prob. be good for me. Then there is Speedy Gonzales that will just not get off the hamster wheel.  Just typing this makes me feel pent up. I think I am going to go scream into a pillow. I remember mom would get mad or stressed when I was a kid and she would go into a room and scream into pillows. Chris and I would actually laugh b/c it sounded funny... but maybe I should try that. In the meantime I just want a good nights sleep, I don't want to take something to get me there, I want to talk about it all to get me there and get it out of my head.

Even though I am left with regret.... I still love my mom, and I miss her. She was an example of a loving friend and helping others. We had a couple of amazing months together where it was just she and I, there was no one to take my place, no one to leave me to go help... just us. We could talk, she would call me having panic attacks and I would talk her down... it's strange to become the parent of your parent. I remember her talking me down after my first panic attack, and taking me to the hospital when I had my second miscarriage and only 3 years ago holding my hair when I puked from food poisoning while trying to get me admitted to the ER b/c I was a severely sick, single mom with no one to help me. So when I talk of my regrets... it wasn't all bad. Sometimes the bad was just really bad and hurt b/c it was my momma... and I loved her so much her approval was what I wanted. It's hard to be a mom, but it's also hard to be a daughter sometimes.

I think with my mom, I was such a momma's girl for so long. I think she liked the fact that I was attached at the hip. Then I got older and started to become who I am now. I became independent and self sufficient and I no longer was attached at the hip, I wanted to grow up and be me. Daddy always said God made me special, and I wasn't even supposed to be created so however I am know it's for a reason that only God knows and one day I will figure out. So it sounded good to me, but somewhere along the way I think it hurt mom to not feel needed anymore. She was raised by a mother that didn't want her and I think me becoming independent put her back into an environment where maybe she felt abandoned. Maybe I was punished for it. It is however, how I view it... I could be wrong. I get it though, the older Sophie gets the less she needs me and its tough to not be needed. It's hard to let go of our daughters and sons when we love them so much and miss those days where they unconditionally loved and needed you. I can see how it would hurt her after how she was raised. I just wish she would have talked to me and we could have figured it out. Then the little midget that makes me blame myself for everything that goes wrong would sit down and shut it. IT's only been a month my logic says it's going to take time but my speedy emotions wants to move on now. I just have to continue to find some peace with it all.

I will end this post with this, last night I sat outside and watched a pretty awesome storm roll in. I thought about how when I was little mom would get me to sit outside with her and watch the storms roll in. We would watch the lightening and count until it thundered. She is where I got my love of storms and even as I grew up she encouraged my fascination with them. In that moment I felt better about her and I missed her. I wished she was there to watch it with me. My song today is Float on by Modest Mouse... no matter what life throws in our path we have to learn to float on and not speed through. I want to be whole again, I want to float on to sleep at night. Maybe tonight I will.

http://youtu.be/CTAud5O7Qqk?list=RDTPhnOKmhbBw

Totally got myself worked up and screwed up.

Today's session was a tough one. I cried the whole way home and it made me think about some things that I buried deep down, and reminded me later that I move too fast and need to slow down. I need to slow down and enjoy life. So before I went home I had to go to the Vitamin Shoppe and get my super food drink mix and ostrich jerky, I took it back to the house and got my head phones and headed to the park to hike.

I never really took into consideration it was 91 degrees out side but its a shaded path so I figured no biggie. I started out slow thinking about mom and what I had discussed in therapy and with every thought my pace quickened. It was almost like I was running from it. So 0.6 miles in I decide to take the 1 mile rocky trail loop. The rocky trail loop should be called the ".6 mile uphill covered in spider webs butt kicker with a .4 mile down hill teaser before you hit more hills" I guess that's too long though. So the deeper I get into it the faster I feel myself walking, the more I am thinking about my anger and things I had buried so deep that were coming out that hurt to think of......and I kept pushing...faster and faster.

.5 into the Rocky Trail I was covered in sweat and feeling very tired and overwhelmed but I knew I still had at least 1.3 miles to get back to my car. I could feel my chest getting tight and still I pushed and pushed. I came upon a bench and sat for maybe 2 min. I took a picture of a moss covered sink hole, almost a hallway of rock... I should have sat there and studied its beauty a little longer. I however, did not do that. I got back up and at the same brisk pace kept going. It was almost as if something was chasing me but no one was there. I felt like I was running from something, wearing myself down with every step.

Almost to the end of the mile loop I was beginning to become paranoid and was questioning if I could even get to the end. It was a mix of thinking about my anger and wearing it out of me, and knowing I needed to slow down. I always need to slow down but I don't. I feel like I am running from something that I buried and out of respect have kept buried down deep. Today, some of it came out... and it led to me having a panic attack on a hike that I have done with ease several times before. I'm not sure if any of the people who read my blog have had panic and anxiety issues, my mom would be so ashamed of me even sharing this... but I am imperfect I have flaws and I want to share them so I can be at ease with myself and get to a point where I can say, "you know what this is who I am,  and my whole bag of crazy, and I do not need your approval". This blog entry is the beginning of that.

Back to my panic attack... my chest was tight my arms and legs were numb, my face was all tingly but like the idiot I am I got in my car took two deep breaths and proceed to drive home I just want to get home. I tried to talk myself down freaking out ... is this the beginning of a heat stroke, oh God is it a heart attack? Of course this just makes it worse so I called Lee and talked to him the whole way back, toying with the idea of pulling over and letting it pass. Instead like I do in my personal life I kept pushing to get where I felt I needed to be. I got home and took two xanax and 15 min later I started coming down from the mess I got myself in . I cooled off took a cold shower and laid down and cried and cried and cried. How can the death of my parents do this? I feel like I am walking this chaotic path and I can't let myself slow down. I can't control the emotion, guilt, anger, sadness.... I just feel like in therapy I touch lightly on something that has been buried down deep that the death of my mom flipped the switch on.

I feel like in my moms death it was cemented that I would never be good enough for her, fast enough to meet her needs, and neglecting my own to meet hers was never enough. My mom was a good supportive friend to all of her friends and people who came into her life, but nothing I ever did was recognized to me or good enough, or even validated. This pain that I have pushed down for so many years is rearing its ugly head. While I shouldn't feel like it's my fault, I have been trained to accept the blame. Now I have to start all over again and not only forgive her but myself too. Am I good enough? Was the care I gave to my mom really good enough. She told me before she went into hospice and started losing consciousness that I was a terrible caretaker. I was running away from helping her b/c I wanted to continue to work part-time and get a sitter when I was at work. That wasn't good enough for her, it was going to be me and me alone and I was given no other option in her eyes. So being the daughter who has always sought to please her I gave it all up. It was still not good enough. She told me once, a week before she died when I kissed her bald head that she loved me. Any other time when I would ask her if she did she wouldn't answer, then the kids would tell her they loved her and she would tell them she loved them too. It makes me feel like I was never good enough when all I ever wanted from her was to feel an honest true love.

This song about sums it up. I broke today, maybe it was a bad choice to hike, but I feel completely whipped... like I did back in the triathlon days. I would get to the end and feel like sleeping for a week. But all I can do is cry when all I want to do is accept the things that won't change and find the peace I so desperately crave... and be happy with me, who I am. I am silly, I love fun, I love to help those who need it, I love to enjoy life and I haven't in so long. I want to be me. The little girl that daddy said was perfect in every way and to never let anyone make me feel less than that.

http://youtu.be/XEH7fw298CM

Things I don't understand

Today I am having me time, which consists of doing laundry lol...but chilling in bed too and researching cancer prevention. I figure I haven't really stopped since daddy had his surgery over a year ago, I took no time off when he passed so today I am taking that time, b/c I know I will be going back to work soon.

So in doing this research I find all this crazy info like many cancers are not inherited they are environmental. So I got to thinking... mom was only 69 when she passed, daddy didn't have cancer but he was 70. Losing them in my 30's has really made me a hypochondriac especially seeing people post on FB at least once or twice a month someone even younger than my parents dying of cancer. Now that I have seen it first hand I think it is safe to say I want to go like my grandmother on moms side did.... really old after a bath and in my sleep.

Daddy's sickness was mostly his fault. Some of it was from Agent Orange exposure, but daddy didn't exercise, and didn't take care of himself. He smoked from 14 to 65 and surprisingly cancer wasn't what got him, bad self care was. Daddy liked his sweets, heck he liked food in general. He wasn't one for working out or getting out. He thought work was his daily exercise and I'm sure to a point is was working for vending companies. When he wasn't at work he was at home on his butt in front of the TV. Sometimes we would all clean on the weekend, daddy cleaned more than mom but when Chris and I got older we took that over(mostly me). Daddy loved everyone with all of his heart but it seemed like he didn't love himself enough to take care of his body to stick around. So b/c he had this part of him that couldn't truly care for himself he cared for us. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but it's how I see it. Diabetes and kidney failure from being overweight and poor nursing care is what took my father.

Mom's cancer really threw me for a loop. Mom was extremely overweight when she was diagnosed. Sugar feeds cancer and mom liked her sweets too. She was completely against any natural treatments to help her through the chemo. As usual she wasn't going to listen to me even though I thoroughly research taking things like barley grass and hemp oil to help with the chemo side effects and cleansing the blood. Mom was a smoker back in the day. I remember her smoking when I was very little but she swore she stopped when she got preg. with me. She only smoked for a grand total of 10 years.... although she would tell the dr's she never smoked. I guess it was a good thing I went to most of her appointments with her to remind her she did... she never liked it when I did that. She would get mad and tell me she didn't smoke that long... I would remind her while I was a social smoker for a while I as well didn't smoke that much or that long but I wouldn't lie about it. I guess she was embarrassed by it. I drink the occasional beer or glass of wine, I have smoked and I am sure it has done some damage to my body...ok how can people help if we don't disclose what we do.

Mom's cancer was (they say) most likely caused from hormone treatment during menopause. It's a type of cancer you can get from eating meat that was treated with growth hormones. I am not surprised she took a ton of stuff during menopause and a few years after she was through it she had to have a hysterectomy due to stage 1 cancer of the uterus. They should have treated her with mild chemo then. She was supposed to go back and have her ovaries removed but never did... a few years later its all over her.

It's so crazy to think about. Her mom lived to be 93. Her mom's sisters lived into their late 80s and 90s. Longevity is very prevalent on her side of the family... lord my aunt Gladys died at 98 and smoked menthol's from 12 to 75.... I mean what the heck!! She never had a pap smear, mammogram, rarely went to the dr... 98, boggles my mind. So how could this happen to mom.... I feel like the food she ate, the lack of exercise, sugar sugar sugar.... and hormone therapy. Thank God I couldn't take birth control. I plan on drying up like a raisin naturally. But even though I know their lack of care of their bodies created many of the ingredients that led up to their sicknesses and untimely deaths, I look at people their age, that still smoke, drink, don't really take care of their temple... and they are still kicking nothing really wrong with them yet, and I think its not fair. Then I see on FB ppl losing friends and family in their 40's to cancer and I'm just blown away.

How many more children have to lose their parents in an untimely manner before people start really doing something. Maybe they are but I have always thought there was a cure... but the greed of ppl pushing radiation and chemo is more prevalent than saving our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, etc... I don't understand why after so many years no one is producing a cure... we can clone a sheep but we can't cure cancer? Seriously? With all of the genius dr's out there, and all of the people researching it... nothing can be done but pump poison in our bodies that I feel like killed mom more than the cancer. In April when she went into the hospital she was dying then. The day I found her in her room with her lips blue and unresponsive I knew it was time. Then this dr on his white horse comes in and says we can do radiation and you will have at least 18 more months. I wasn't happy with this, I didn't think it would help it wasn't even the reason why she had to go into the hospital to begin with. So they pumped her up on an ample amount of steroids, gave her false hope and as soon as the treatments were over and she was weaned of the steroids, she was back into the dying phase again.

They gave me 3 really good weeks with mom, I appreciate that... I don't appreciate the false hope that was ripped away from her. She was absolutely destroyed when we had to call in hospice. To the point she lost it on me and said things that hurt me so bad, I don't appreciate that. It could have been avoided had they just been honest. These are the things that I think about daily... how can ppl who take worse care of themselves my parents age still be here but my parents had to be ripped away? How can children lose a parent that does take care of themselves and ppl who don't get to stay? It makes me angry. It makes me paranoid. It makes me sad..... it's a type of injustice that shouldn't be a part of life.

http://youtu.be/0_n5LGn1sZ0?list=RDCVtv3TU5OL4

And Then it Hits You

Last night was the first time I reached for the phone to call mom and I had to stop myself. The woman who had babysat me so long ago when I was really little found me on Facebook and emailed me. After we exchanged a few emails she called me and we had such a great talk. When I was a kid she was who I wanted to be like when I grew up. I never forgot about her and she never forgot about us. Mom taught her how to paint and she studied art in college. I know mom would have been so tickled to know that. I wanted to call her so bad to tell her we had reconnected but couldn't.

Then I had a dream I was working at CVS again with my staff that was there from the get go. Someone had called in a script for my mom and I said that can't be she passed away. The dr. said well she wanted to be cloned but now her clone is dying. So people were asking me when the funeral was going to be and it was around Christmas so everyone wanted to schedule around it. I called dad and he was still alive and confused not knowing what was going on with mom. He had also thought she passed. When I was on the phone with him in my dream I didn't want to get off. I just wanted to keep listening to his voice.

I have no idea what that dream meant. It has however, made me feel somewhat crappy and cryish today. I keep thinking about all of it and just burst with tears. I can't understand it all. I don't know what phase this is but its like 1 month in and I am a puddle of emotion. I want to move on so bad but I feel so stuck. I feel like this cloud above my head is never going to move on. I hate feeling like this. I miss my mom and dad. It's not fair and I don't know what I did to deserve this. If that is even how it works. I want my daddy. I want a hug from my dad so bad. It feels like that is the one thing that would let me know it is going to be ok. Mom's last words to me were "I'm sorry" and "It's going to be okay", how long will it take for me to feel okay.

I'm not a patient person and I feel like so much bad has happened so soon back to back, when is the good going to find its way back in. It just feels like everything is all wrong. I mean it is. My kids are at their dads, he is a jerk, they both hate going over there and it makes me miserable knowing they aren't happy and feel like they have to fake it so they won't be emotionally punished. Ugh I just hate where I am at right now. I know I need to get out and start my life back and nothing good will happen if I don't, but I just can't muster up the energy to do it. I just feel like such a joykill right now. I miss them so much and knowing its going to be a long time for me before I see them again makes it hard.

Today I am listening to "Fix You" it pretty much sums it up for today
http://youtu.be/pY9b6jgbNyc

What the stress did to my back

I had to several times before mom was bedridden help her stand up and walk to the bathroom, this went on for a little over 2 weeks several times a day. Towards the end I was having to lean over her after positioning her (mostly all of her body weight) and get her to like hug my neck as hard as she could so I could at least get her out of the bed. This took a toll. On top of that my massage therapist Tuesday told me I carry my tension in my neck and back. She said my muscles were extremely stiff, she couldn't get hardly any movement from them when she started. 

So she asked what was up and I explained the past 18 months as briefly as I could. She was like, yeah ok, that explains it. I am having to constantly remind myself now to drop my shoulders so my back won't hurt so much b/c I got used to carrying the tension. I wake up almost every morning with my back stiff as all get out. I know its not my mattress b/c it's only a year old. 

Web-MD says, "Stress and low back pain can create a vicious circle. You have back pain, and you begin to worry about it. This causes stress, and your back muscles begin to tense. Tense muscles make your back pain worse, and you worry more ... which makes your back worse ... and so on."   So I guess I need to continue going to massage therapy and get back into yoga. Along with dealing with the 

stress. I am just trying to figure out aside from the obvious why I am staying so stressed still. I'm still taking my Zoloft, I took a muscle relaxer last night... woke up stiff as a board this morning. Laid on heating pad, then ice... it's not acute pain but more like a dull annoyance that is driving me nuts. It almost feels like the time I had shingles. Yeah that sucked. But I obviously stay so anxious this doesn't help. I still need to take a day to do absolutely nothing. Haven't really done that yet. 

I'm listening to Fly Leaf today... Mainly b/c only a month in and I am already sick of feeling like this and everything that led up to where I am. Little known fact Fly Leaf is a Christan band.

http://youtu.be/E8V8YKALT-0

Dance for them, b/c they no longer dance with you.

 So going through some playlists I found this song and it made me think of danicing with daddy. We surrounded our routines with song and dance, and enjoyed life even when we cleaned. If my dad would say anything I guess he would tell me what this song says... to drive on, to dance for him until my time comes to join them.

 I danced with my son this morning and my daughter this afternoon, I danced for daddy and to feel that fun he gave to me so long ago.

http://youtu.be/IXfG9vqyZws

Searching for a new normal

So as my friends and family know my mom passed away June 20th. So begins the steps of grieving. I seem to be trapped in the anxiety phase. I have been seeing a therapist for several months now and he suggested I start dealing with my feelings through a journal. This is it, my journal... although honestly a big part of me is dreading facing this. I have been able to set it aside for 9 months and now that mom is gone and I have no sick person in sight to care for to distract me, it's at the door knocking it down slowly ready to envlope me.

Sounds exciting right? Yeah nope. It's now almost been a month since mom died and I feel like I have been just basically going through the motions of the days. Hours turn to days, to weeks, a month... how did I get here? Now it comes... the questions, What is going to happen to me now? I have always had a plan. Who will be my north? Who will be my compass? I know I am not a co-dependant perason but maybe in someways I am? I guess I never realized how much I needed my parents until they were gone. I cherished my relationship with daddy, but I expected it to last longer. He was a father not only to me but to my children. My daughter and I talked about it on the way home Tuesday. She is so locked up in her grief, but admitted that my dad was more of a daddy to her than her father. She said in a way she feels as if she lost a father. Several of my friends felt the same about him.

I am terrified. I can't say I have ever really been this scared. You have these two ppl you see as being invinceable and helping to guide you along the way and both in under a year are gone. They won't be back, they won't answer the phone and life as I have known it is upside down. I want to open the door tomorrow and walk outside, feel the sun on my face, and everything be as it was; or at least step out of this funk. Even after everything I went through with mom one would think I should be more of a patient person but I am only a little improved. I want this sadness to wash over me fast and life go back as it was with a different path that I am travelling and it all be ok. But I am not there. I am in the shock and awe phase. It's mine and mine alone. My sadness isn't like my daughter's or son's ... I want the security I had as a child when mom and dad were home tucking me in and I could close my eyes and sleep with ease knowing they were there. Even 3 years ago when I was still a single mom, I knew they were there. Maybe not tucking me in anymore but there.

Usually when I have a bunch of issues I make a list of the ones I should fix first from greatest to smallest... but these are all great in the same manner. Its confusing to explain and confusing to feel. I thought that when mom passed I would feel this great freedom. Not yet. I feel so flawed not that I wasn't before but I feel it in a way I have never experienced. I am forced to face adulthood and growing old, I am forced to face my own mortality. That in and of itself is pretty horrible on its own.

With this blog/journal I am going to post the music that I listen to while I type. Music is therapy as well for me. I didn't come from this musical type family that many of my friends have but daddy was a drummer like me and could play guitar. He is where my love for music came from and where I learned that it can in a way be therapy for your soul. A way to connect... it's what I have now to still feel my connection with him... and remember dancing on his feet to "My Girl" , air drumming with him, singing with him.... the memory of his face when I was on the drumline in school and walking alongside of of us while leading the rest of the band through a cadence. Boy he sure would get pumped and talk about how proud of me he was for days, that turned into weeks, that turned into months, then years...and I wish I had it back.

http://youtu.be/bTR1ckX62W8   / People that you must remember.