I just can not explain how much I am dreading the holidays. The closer I get to Thursday the more low I feel, not that Thanksgiving was the biggest Richardson extravaganza of them all, but it was mom's day to be a cooking star. She always made this fantastic spread on TG and her boiled custard and stuffing was what I looked forward to the most. The last one I had with my parents was in 2011. I had friends over, mom had friends over there almost wasn't enough food and mom and dad both agreed it was the best one we ever had! The next year we knew daddy had his surgery coming up and mom and dad decided they wanted to have a quiet TG like they did in the past before kids came along. I was sick so it wasn't a huge deal but last years was sad. My first without Daddy and mom was to sick to come over so we brought it to her...she barely even ate.
Then comes Christmas... daddy's favorite. I admit last years was a disaster. I went through the motions until Christmas Day, mom was in the hospital, daddy was gone and I got out of bed long enough to watch the kids open their gifts and then back to bed I went until that evening I got up to bring mom her gift and visit with her. The last big Christmas we had with them also was in 2011. Mom went all out too. It was so nice, daddy and I tricked mom for the 10th year in a row into opening daddy's canoe (she hated that stuff and we loved to mess with her). This year there is no canoe, no mom , and no daddy. At least last year I knew my mom was still here. This year, ugh man I am just dreading it so bad. No calls, no visits... they are just gone.
Lastly I am dreading the whole month of January. My birthday is at the end of the month and daddy with early Alzheimer's knew it was in January but couldn't remember which day even when I reminded him. So he would send me a card once a week until the month was over so he made sure he got it. He always said I was so special to him he thought I should be able to celebrate all month. Last year was hard but mom was doing better and living in Murfreesboro. So I came to get her at the nursing home and took her back to my house where Lee cooked a big ole meal for her. I kept her out so late we got locked out of Adams Place. We laughed for weeks about me getting her in trouble and keeping her out past her curfew. She said of all the birthdays she had with me aside from the day she gave birth to me that one was the best. Her greatest gift was to spend it with me. This year there will be no cards once a week and no mom.... God it really just blows.
I have said since daddy got sick that taking care of dying parents almost causes PTSD... I still hold firm to that theory. There is no time limit even though I want to just forget all of this damn pain and sadness. I wish that by tomorrow I would be over it but it doesn't work like that, my hope is that year by year it will be less difficult. Until then it feels like I could explode from the inside out.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
A daily battle....
I heard a song today that touched my heart... here are the lyrics that struck me
'Cause she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
Do people grieving think about it like that? Being stronger than we know? I know so many people have told me I am stronger than I think. I don't know about that I just know that what I am going through is mine. I know people have gone through worse. I know ppl have suffered more than me.... but this is mine. I don't take away their pain, I'm not in a competition as to who has it worse, please don't take away my pain like its not as bad. For me it is bad. For me I feel like an orphan.
Almost everything reminds me of mom and dad... God I miss them. I am dreading the holidays and I think my kids are too. It's an abnormal situation that I know I am not the only one to go through but again its mine. So many times in the past few months I have wanted to talk to mom and she won't talk back.
It's strange that daddy made so many attempts after he passed to let me know he was ok. But mom has been so silent. A part of me has thought she was mad. Maybe I did something wrong. Chris and his wife sure seemed to think so, but I am just so lost some days and wish she would just let me know she is ok like daddy did. Then I got this email the other day from my friend Nicole that I grew up with about a dream she had of her mother who had passed not long before mine....
I saw my mother for the first time last night. We were in the bleachers at a ball game, she was many rows behind me and didn't see me. When I fought through the crowd to her, she fell from the bleachers like a trap door had opened under her. Then I was in a crowded street but she was very far in front of me, moving away from me. I told everyone how happy I was! She was alive! It had all been a mistake! They just shook their heads with pity in their eyes. She rounded a corner and I followed. She had turned to face me. I called her name and she looked at me as though I was a stranger. She did not know me. She turned and walked away. My surroundings changed to a void of enveloping blackness. I listened to the silence, which gradually became a faint heartbeat that seemed to penetrate all existence. I listened more closely and made out words whispered within the rhythm. The words being repeated were, "No Man. No Self. No Death."
Upon awakening I searched frantically for paper to write this dream down. The VERY FIRST place my hand went to was a box next to my bed. I looked inside and found a book. I had the thought that it was strange that I had a book in my home that I'd not read. I opened it to discover that it was hollow inside. There was where I discovered the aquamarine that I thought I had lost months earlier.
Before that dream my life was in shambles. When the jewel was "returned" I cried. Not regular crying. It was snot-running, wailing and laughing simultaneously hysterical if-someone-had-seen-the-white-padded-van-would've-been-called-crying. Then a realization came to me. The best way I can explain it is as "knowing without having learned". My mother's form is gone. Her role as mother is completed. She has graduated from this world of material things and now she is formless consciousness. How could she have known me in the state I was in? She never knew a defeated, beaten, miserable Nicole. I knew then that the sorrow I felt was for myself alone! She did not leave me. She transcended back to where we all come from. Her essence now lives in everything beautiful and natural. Jesus said,"Split open a piece of wood and I am there. Turn over a stone and I am there." This is true of my mom also. She is in every leaf, in every bird's song, in the very oxygen we breathe. Nothing that is really alive ever dies. It only changes form.
You are wrong about your mom being mad. How could one possibly feel anger in Heaven? It wouldn't be Heaven if that were possible. I think they go through an orientation upon arrival. Perhaps she's still learning the ropes there. Or maybe she is with you EVERY SECOND but you aren't ready or able to recognize her. Open your heart and stop trying to see with your eyes. Your mind will trick you, but your soul cannot deceive.
Nicole... you will never know how much you have helped me and opened my eyes...
http://youtu.be/WIm1GgfRz6M
'Cause she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
Do people grieving think about it like that? Being stronger than we know? I know so many people have told me I am stronger than I think. I don't know about that I just know that what I am going through is mine. I know people have gone through worse. I know ppl have suffered more than me.... but this is mine. I don't take away their pain, I'm not in a competition as to who has it worse, please don't take away my pain like its not as bad. For me it is bad. For me I feel like an orphan.
Almost everything reminds me of mom and dad... God I miss them. I am dreading the holidays and I think my kids are too. It's an abnormal situation that I know I am not the only one to go through but again its mine. So many times in the past few months I have wanted to talk to mom and she won't talk back.
It's strange that daddy made so many attempts after he passed to let me know he was ok. But mom has been so silent. A part of me has thought she was mad. Maybe I did something wrong. Chris and his wife sure seemed to think so, but I am just so lost some days and wish she would just let me know she is ok like daddy did. Then I got this email the other day from my friend Nicole that I grew up with about a dream she had of her mother who had passed not long before mine....
I saw my mother for the first time last night. We were in the bleachers at a ball game, she was many rows behind me and didn't see me. When I fought through the crowd to her, she fell from the bleachers like a trap door had opened under her. Then I was in a crowded street but she was very far in front of me, moving away from me. I told everyone how happy I was! She was alive! It had all been a mistake! They just shook their heads with pity in their eyes. She rounded a corner and I followed. She had turned to face me. I called her name and she looked at me as though I was a stranger. She did not know me. She turned and walked away. My surroundings changed to a void of enveloping blackness. I listened to the silence, which gradually became a faint heartbeat that seemed to penetrate all existence. I listened more closely and made out words whispered within the rhythm. The words being repeated were, "No Man. No Self. No Death."
Upon awakening I searched frantically for paper to write this dream down. The VERY FIRST place my hand went to was a box next to my bed. I looked inside and found a book. I had the thought that it was strange that I had a book in my home that I'd not read. I opened it to discover that it was hollow inside. There was where I discovered the aquamarine that I thought I had lost months earlier.
Before that dream my life was in shambles. When the jewel was "returned" I cried. Not regular crying. It was snot-running, wailing and laughing simultaneously hysterical if-someone-had-seen-the-white-padded-van-would've-been-called-crying. Then a realization came to me. The best way I can explain it is as "knowing without having learned". My mother's form is gone. Her role as mother is completed. She has graduated from this world of material things and now she is formless consciousness. How could she have known me in the state I was in? She never knew a defeated, beaten, miserable Nicole. I knew then that the sorrow I felt was for myself alone! She did not leave me. She transcended back to where we all come from. Her essence now lives in everything beautiful and natural. Jesus said,"Split open a piece of wood and I am there. Turn over a stone and I am there." This is true of my mom also. She is in every leaf, in every bird's song, in the very oxygen we breathe. Nothing that is really alive ever dies. It only changes form.
You are wrong about your mom being mad. How could one possibly feel anger in Heaven? It wouldn't be Heaven if that were possible. I think they go through an orientation upon arrival. Perhaps she's still learning the ropes there. Or maybe she is with you EVERY SECOND but you aren't ready or able to recognize her. Open your heart and stop trying to see with your eyes. Your mind will trick you, but your soul cannot deceive.
Nicole... you will never know how much you have helped me and opened my eyes...
http://youtu.be/WIm1GgfRz6M
Friday, September 12, 2014
Getting out of the Mud.... In God's Time
So for those of you who have known me for a long time know that I have never gone longer than just a couple of weeks without a job. I have been lucky like that but too, I have never left a job without another to go to. This was a discipline taught by my mom. When I quit my job in May to take care of mom, I took a giant leap of faith. I stressed over my choice but, in the end I knew that being with my mom in her final days was a blessing for both of us. The summer I was given with my children was a blessing.... being able to finally have the time to mourn my daddy and mom was a blessing.
I honestly at first was frustrated b/c I wanted to go back ASAP to have something that could keep my mind off of the last two years. If someone offered me something the week after mom passed... knowing me I would have taken it. Things however, didn't work out like that. Looking back at it now, I am glad... people are right when they say it's in God's time not mine. He totally knew what he was doing and knew the hurdles I would face this past summer. I would have not been able to totally exert myself in any job.
When I work I put my all into it. I give 110% b/c I want to do a good job. After all one isn't hired to do things "half assed" as my daddy would say. In my last job, daddy died 2 months after I was hired. I took 1 day off b/c his memorial was postponed until mom was in better health to go. I was worthless, sad, and could not concentrate for the life of me. All I could think about was how I missed my father so horribly. I still pushed on and thank goodness it was the easiest job I have ever had, if not it would have taken a toll on what I did as an employee. I wished everyday I had taken more time off and when Christmas rolled around and mom was in the hospital all I could do that day was lay in bed out of sadness and exhaustion. I felt more lost than I ever had.
When mom got moved to Murfreesboro things became easier b/c I could be with her after work every day. She knew I was unhappy with my job and pushed me to go back to school, to do something that made me happy... b/c I worked for the Hitler of all bosses...that's for a whole different blog lol. So in thinking about it I figured, I am great at sales, why not try out real estate. The draw back is I have never had an all commission job, frankly the thought of it terrifies me. I went ahead and started studying for the test, after all daddy always said I could sale an air conditioner to an Eskimo. I also decided to seek help and go to grief counselling... I can not express how much in just a few months Jason, my therapist, has helped me.
When I passed my RE course mom was at the point where she was moving in and weeks later going in to hospice and I was faced with a life altering choice. Here I am full circle. Four months later I have been hired and I am ready. Heck I am excited!!! My first interview with Lisa she walked in and hugged me knowing what I had been through. I already knew I was a candidate for a job with a group of compassionate awesome people... I totally fit in with that. When I went back in for our second talk Wednesday and was offered the job and met the group of folks I would be working with, for the first time in two years I felt like I was moving forward! I am so stoked.
While no I will not be in Real Estate Sales, I will still be working in the field and I am glad I took my parents advice and broadened my knowledge. Seems in death they still are leading me. That is a comfort.
For the past two months I have felt as if I am stuck in mud and now I feel like I am shifting down and moving on. I so wished yet again I could call mom and dad. They would be thrilled, especially mom knowing several of the people I will be working for and with. She thought so highly of these people and in a way, it is her answer to my question.... what am I going to do? While I could have stayed at home for eternity... I am a worker, I like to have several things going at once... like momma. If it wasn't for her this opportunity probably would not have presented it's self to me. So I owe it to her! She gave me time to heal, time with my children, and a future. Crazy how things work out!
I miss her. I wish I could share this with her, although I know she knows. No matter what transpires between you and your mother.... you always need your momma. I will always need mine, I will always be thankful for the wonderful gifts she gave that make the rough stuff less important.
I honestly at first was frustrated b/c I wanted to go back ASAP to have something that could keep my mind off of the last two years. If someone offered me something the week after mom passed... knowing me I would have taken it. Things however, didn't work out like that. Looking back at it now, I am glad... people are right when they say it's in God's time not mine. He totally knew what he was doing and knew the hurdles I would face this past summer. I would have not been able to totally exert myself in any job.
When I work I put my all into it. I give 110% b/c I want to do a good job. After all one isn't hired to do things "half assed" as my daddy would say. In my last job, daddy died 2 months after I was hired. I took 1 day off b/c his memorial was postponed until mom was in better health to go. I was worthless, sad, and could not concentrate for the life of me. All I could think about was how I missed my father so horribly. I still pushed on and thank goodness it was the easiest job I have ever had, if not it would have taken a toll on what I did as an employee. I wished everyday I had taken more time off and when Christmas rolled around and mom was in the hospital all I could do that day was lay in bed out of sadness and exhaustion. I felt more lost than I ever had.
When mom got moved to Murfreesboro things became easier b/c I could be with her after work every day. She knew I was unhappy with my job and pushed me to go back to school, to do something that made me happy... b/c I worked for the Hitler of all bosses...that's for a whole different blog lol. So in thinking about it I figured, I am great at sales, why not try out real estate. The draw back is I have never had an all commission job, frankly the thought of it terrifies me. I went ahead and started studying for the test, after all daddy always said I could sale an air conditioner to an Eskimo. I also decided to seek help and go to grief counselling... I can not express how much in just a few months Jason, my therapist, has helped me.
When I passed my RE course mom was at the point where she was moving in and weeks later going in to hospice and I was faced with a life altering choice. Here I am full circle. Four months later I have been hired and I am ready. Heck I am excited!!! My first interview with Lisa she walked in and hugged me knowing what I had been through. I already knew I was a candidate for a job with a group of compassionate awesome people... I totally fit in with that. When I went back in for our second talk Wednesday and was offered the job and met the group of folks I would be working with, for the first time in two years I felt like I was moving forward! I am so stoked.
While no I will not be in Real Estate Sales, I will still be working in the field and I am glad I took my parents advice and broadened my knowledge. Seems in death they still are leading me. That is a comfort.
For the past two months I have felt as if I am stuck in mud and now I feel like I am shifting down and moving on. I so wished yet again I could call mom and dad. They would be thrilled, especially mom knowing several of the people I will be working for and with. She thought so highly of these people and in a way, it is her answer to my question.... what am I going to do? While I could have stayed at home for eternity... I am a worker, I like to have several things going at once... like momma. If it wasn't for her this opportunity probably would not have presented it's self to me. So I owe it to her! She gave me time to heal, time with my children, and a future. Crazy how things work out!
I miss her. I wish I could share this with her, although I know she knows. No matter what transpires between you and your mother.... you always need your momma. I will always need mine, I will always be thankful for the wonderful gifts she gave that make the rough stuff less important.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
One year down.... now where do I go
A year ago today my precious daddy died. On his birthday of all days.... isn't it crazy how these things happen? I really never had the opportunity to grieve for him until June when my mother passed away.... again, isn't it crazy how things happen. God... where do I start? I guess I just can't put into words how much I miss my daddy... sometimes its so much I can't breath. I know with time it will get better. I know in this next year the pain will subside some. Today, however I feel like I am feeling his loss all over again. My family I was born to is gone.
I know you all know I have a brother, but with him threatening to sue me b/c he feels I abused my position of "power of attorney" and has slandered me to friends and his own son... I feel instead of carrying each other through this.... in his pain and loss he has chose to blame me. I guess he can use his guilt to blame me all he wants, it would break mom and dads heart, I am glad they aren't here to see it. I did all I could for our relationship. Yes I voiced online my anger b/c he wouldn't help, instead he turned his son against me saying I took them from him... who else would have given them the care I quit my job to give? Him? Well why didn't he call to work something out with me? I would have made him a part of it as much as he wanted to be but his silence was what I took as not being there to help. I guess some people can't handle it. It's not something I really wanted to handle but I did... I gave up everything for my mom and dad b/c at one point they gave up everything to be parents.
It's sad, instead of taking responsibility for his role in things he chose to make me look like some evil person that gave him no choice. We all have a choice, but not all of us have the strength or will to act. I acted... I acted for my parents b/c they many times acted for me. When I truly needed them... they were always there. Especially daddy. He was my knight in shining armour! He was my backbone and the voice in my head that reminded me I was worth all the happiness I could attain. Daddy was and will always be my hero!!!
I am thankful though that my life wasn't the only one touched by him. He loved everyone he knew and would have fought tooth and nail for them. He made daughters and sons of my closest friends and their family became ours. Denise Vanoy, you are my sister... it doesn't matter who gave birth to us... and to my mom and dad you were a daughter... I don't know what I would do without you. I would fight for you like my daddy fought for the ones he loved b/c no matter our fights and times we went without speaking.... it was always always daddy who in his own way brought us together, he knew that we needed eachother. You are more a sibling to me by supporting me and sticking by my side.... Daddy loved you, mom loved you... you were also theirs. I am so glad through daddy's sickness he brought us back together. In his death I find comfort in the fact that he brought us back together when we were being stupid!
Every day I wish for one more hug... Daddy seriously gave the best hugs. When he pulled you in, you could feel that love!! It made the problems you were going through just melt away. I am attaching the eulogy I wrote for him so ppl who were not able to come to his memorial can read what he was to me. While the sky has the brightest star now, my heart has a hole that can never be filled. I will miss him every single day until we can be together again... but as I promised I will live for him... I will make memories in his name and I will honor and share with anyone who crosses my path the love he gave me and gave to the people who crossed his. What an AMAZING man... he was the embodiment of Jesus love. God I love you so much daddy... I miss you so so much there are no words to describe this pain, this joy you gave, and this legacy you left. Never leave my side... always remind me in some way you can still see and hear me. Life is sometimes very dull without you. I love you daddy.... and it will still grow even though you are gone. Thank you... thank you for everything you gave me. My daddy, the most godly man I have ever known!
His Eulogy
"One of Daddy's favorite songs was the living years by Mike and the Mechanics. He felt like there were so
many things he should have told his father before he passed and never did. So he spent the rest of his
life making sure everyone always knew what was on his heart. His family, friends, even people he didn’t
know but his heart went out to them in their time of sorrow or need. The lyrics, “say it loud say it clear
we listen as well as we hear” was what drove him to love without bounds, judgment, or prejudice in
the way Jesus told us to love. I can safely say that everyone who knew him loved him. He had a way to
make people laugh when they may have been too sad to, he wanted to ease their pain and always gave
the best hugs on the planet. You could feel his love in every hug, like he was sent from heaven...and
he was. His example as a friend, mentor, husband, and father is part of what made me who I am and
brought me closer to God.
Growing up some of the best times we had were watching sports and I gained a love for them through
him. He took the time to explain how football and baseball were played and to some people it might
not mean very much but to me it meant the world and showed how much he cared. He wanted to share
the things he loved with the people he loved the most. He loved to joke and play jokes, he once got
me in the middle of a swinging bridge in Rock City and he at the other end jumped on it making the
whole thing ripple and I was terrified! He was rolled over laughing and while I didn’t think it was funny
then thinking of it now does make me laugh. He also acted like he got stuck in the fat man squeeze
and everyone walking down it was cracking up! He would make a point to scare my friends at slumber
parties and even though we knew it would happen he got us every time! Daddy could make up songs
that made no sense in under a minute but they were always great. He taught me how to dance on his
feet to the song “my girl” and how to dance with a broom or vacuum when I cleaned. He would say if
we are going to have to clean we may as well have fun doing it....and I still do from time to time, dance
with a broom or use a pot scrubber as a microphone. We always loved going grocery shopping and
using fake horrible British accents the whole time we were in the store all b/c we saw fig newtons,
or going to the Hot Dog house and getting dinner and one extra egg custard pie to split then hide the
evidence on the way home. He made the best crepes every Christmas morning and loved to play Santa
and watch us open our gifts. He got more joy out of watching us then opening his own.
I knew as long as I had daddy by my side I was unstoppable, I knew he would protect me when I needed
it and gave me the tools to stand up for myself when he couldn’t be there. He was never too tough to
tell me how much he loved me or how proud he was of my accomplishments, even though you could
always see it in his eyes. Daddy always made me feel like I am important and I have a voice.
He always told me it's okay to be silly and to always be who I am not what someone wanted
me to be b/c who I am is how God made me. He has been one of my biggest supports even
if he didn't agree with why he was supporting me, maybe he's not the perfect dad but he has
been perfect for me! Even through his suffering he still laughed and gave the best hugs. He still
encouraged me and loved me no less. I wish I could give everyone the gift of knowing him as I
know him.
Our relationship was hard at times but no matter what I knew daddy would be there if I needed
him, I felt strong and courageous because daddy would catch me if I fell. He took part in what I
did at school and held on as I did through it all. I wouldn't be the strong woman I am if my dad
didn't give me what I needed to get here. No matter what daddy has always hugged me and told
me how proud he is of me and encouraged me when I am at my worst, I know how deeply my
daddy loves me and it is a love that expects nothing in return. He is more of a man and greater
of a daddy for being able to be affectionate and show his emotions than a stoic father. Even
though I wish I had more time and a million more “one more time daddy” I am so lucky and so
blessed to have had someone love me so much and believe in me as much as he did.
If there is anything at all we could take away from our time with him on this earth is to continue
his example of unconditional, self-sacrificing love, the example that he learned from Jesus and
to pay forward the love he showed to us. How awesome would it be if we could touch the heart
of just one person the way he touched ours and that person carried it on, it didn’t start with my
dad but it shouldn’t end with him either. It won’t end with me, but I challenge everyone to go out
today and do the same!
I know you all know I have a brother, but with him threatening to sue me b/c he feels I abused my position of "power of attorney" and has slandered me to friends and his own son... I feel instead of carrying each other through this.... in his pain and loss he has chose to blame me. I guess he can use his guilt to blame me all he wants, it would break mom and dads heart, I am glad they aren't here to see it. I did all I could for our relationship. Yes I voiced online my anger b/c he wouldn't help, instead he turned his son against me saying I took them from him... who else would have given them the care I quit my job to give? Him? Well why didn't he call to work something out with me? I would have made him a part of it as much as he wanted to be but his silence was what I took as not being there to help. I guess some people can't handle it. It's not something I really wanted to handle but I did... I gave up everything for my mom and dad b/c at one point they gave up everything to be parents.
It's sad, instead of taking responsibility for his role in things he chose to make me look like some evil person that gave him no choice. We all have a choice, but not all of us have the strength or will to act. I acted... I acted for my parents b/c they many times acted for me. When I truly needed them... they were always there. Especially daddy. He was my knight in shining armour! He was my backbone and the voice in my head that reminded me I was worth all the happiness I could attain. Daddy was and will always be my hero!!!
I am thankful though that my life wasn't the only one touched by him. He loved everyone he knew and would have fought tooth and nail for them. He made daughters and sons of my closest friends and their family became ours. Denise Vanoy, you are my sister... it doesn't matter who gave birth to us... and to my mom and dad you were a daughter... I don't know what I would do without you. I would fight for you like my daddy fought for the ones he loved b/c no matter our fights and times we went without speaking.... it was always always daddy who in his own way brought us together, he knew that we needed eachother. You are more a sibling to me by supporting me and sticking by my side.... Daddy loved you, mom loved you... you were also theirs. I am so glad through daddy's sickness he brought us back together. In his death I find comfort in the fact that he brought us back together when we were being stupid!
Every day I wish for one more hug... Daddy seriously gave the best hugs. When he pulled you in, you could feel that love!! It made the problems you were going through just melt away. I am attaching the eulogy I wrote for him so ppl who were not able to come to his memorial can read what he was to me. While the sky has the brightest star now, my heart has a hole that can never be filled. I will miss him every single day until we can be together again... but as I promised I will live for him... I will make memories in his name and I will honor and share with anyone who crosses my path the love he gave me and gave to the people who crossed his. What an AMAZING man... he was the embodiment of Jesus love. God I love you so much daddy... I miss you so so much there are no words to describe this pain, this joy you gave, and this legacy you left. Never leave my side... always remind me in some way you can still see and hear me. Life is sometimes very dull without you. I love you daddy.... and it will still grow even though you are gone. Thank you... thank you for everything you gave me. My daddy, the most godly man I have ever known!
His Eulogy
"One of Daddy's favorite songs was the living years by Mike and the Mechanics. He felt like there were so
many things he should have told his father before he passed and never did. So he spent the rest of his
life making sure everyone always knew what was on his heart. His family, friends, even people he didn’t
know but his heart went out to them in their time of sorrow or need. The lyrics, “say it loud say it clear
we listen as well as we hear” was what drove him to love without bounds, judgment, or prejudice in
the way Jesus told us to love. I can safely say that everyone who knew him loved him. He had a way to
make people laugh when they may have been too sad to, he wanted to ease their pain and always gave
the best hugs on the planet. You could feel his love in every hug, like he was sent from heaven...and
he was. His example as a friend, mentor, husband, and father is part of what made me who I am and
brought me closer to God.
Growing up some of the best times we had were watching sports and I gained a love for them through
him. He took the time to explain how football and baseball were played and to some people it might
not mean very much but to me it meant the world and showed how much he cared. He wanted to share
the things he loved with the people he loved the most. He loved to joke and play jokes, he once got
me in the middle of a swinging bridge in Rock City and he at the other end jumped on it making the
whole thing ripple and I was terrified! He was rolled over laughing and while I didn’t think it was funny
then thinking of it now does make me laugh. He also acted like he got stuck in the fat man squeeze
and everyone walking down it was cracking up! He would make a point to scare my friends at slumber
parties and even though we knew it would happen he got us every time! Daddy could make up songs
that made no sense in under a minute but they were always great. He taught me how to dance on his
feet to the song “my girl” and how to dance with a broom or vacuum when I cleaned. He would say if
we are going to have to clean we may as well have fun doing it....and I still do from time to time, dance
with a broom or use a pot scrubber as a microphone. We always loved going grocery shopping and
using fake horrible British accents the whole time we were in the store all b/c we saw fig newtons,
or going to the Hot Dog house and getting dinner and one extra egg custard pie to split then hide the
evidence on the way home. He made the best crepes every Christmas morning and loved to play Santa
and watch us open our gifts. He got more joy out of watching us then opening his own.
I knew as long as I had daddy by my side I was unstoppable, I knew he would protect me when I needed
it and gave me the tools to stand up for myself when he couldn’t be there. He was never too tough to
tell me how much he loved me or how proud he was of my accomplishments, even though you could
always see it in his eyes. Daddy always made me feel like I am important and I have a voice.
He always told me it's okay to be silly and to always be who I am not what someone wanted
me to be b/c who I am is how God made me. He has been one of my biggest supports even
if he didn't agree with why he was supporting me, maybe he's not the perfect dad but he has
been perfect for me! Even through his suffering he still laughed and gave the best hugs. He still
encouraged me and loved me no less. I wish I could give everyone the gift of knowing him as I
know him.
Our relationship was hard at times but no matter what I knew daddy would be there if I needed
him, I felt strong and courageous because daddy would catch me if I fell. He took part in what I
did at school and held on as I did through it all. I wouldn't be the strong woman I am if my dad
didn't give me what I needed to get here. No matter what daddy has always hugged me and told
me how proud he is of me and encouraged me when I am at my worst, I know how deeply my
daddy loves me and it is a love that expects nothing in return. He is more of a man and greater
of a daddy for being able to be affectionate and show his emotions than a stoic father. Even
though I wish I had more time and a million more “one more time daddy” I am so lucky and so
blessed to have had someone love me so much and believe in me as much as he did.
If there is anything at all we could take away from our time with him on this earth is to continue
his example of unconditional, self-sacrificing love, the example that he learned from Jesus and
to pay forward the love he showed to us. How awesome would it be if we could touch the heart
of just one person the way he touched ours and that person carried it on, it didn’t start with my
dad but it shouldn’t end with him either. It won’t end with me, but I challenge everyone to go out
today and do the same!
Friday, August 22, 2014
I've been so numb
http://youtu.be/h8oTT9r9978
The past two days have been eye opening. I have really missed my momma... I have wanted her back. I have realized how numb I have been. I have been going through all of my days since mom passed either being angry at what transpired before she died or sad that it did. When I know in my heart that I was most angry that my daddy and my momma where being ripped out of my life. It's not fair, I still need them. I still want my mom to give me advice, even though I know what she will say.... I want to hear HER say it.
I'm stuck in life... no job, no parents, and I'm not sure how to move on. I have been trying to not think about it, I have been trying to keep going and stay strong for my kids, like it didn't happen. But it did and I am orphaned... I am no longer a daughter, and I still want to be someones daughter... I want a parent. I hate feeling like my guiding lights have been snuffed. I can't keep on like this acting like nothing happened.
Yesterday I was missing my momma so much...I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it but it needs to be on it. I need to face all of it... I am just not sure how to grieve for them both at the same time. That comfort that I always had that I took for granted is gone. The people I turned to that got me through my worst times are gone. Who can I turn to? I feel so trapped not moving forward and not moving back.
I have thought when I go back to work I will get back on track... I still feel that way, it will be a step forward. I guess however, sitting here tonight, feeling all of this sadness is also a step forward. I haven't allowed it in. I am and I was a daughter of two wonderful parents, who were imperfect... same as I am as a mother. It took both of their influences good and bad to make me who I am ... and who I am misses them so much on so many levels.
It sucks to lose one parent... it sucks to watch one suffer and give in to their illness... but seeing it twice in under a year is so heartbreaking. I am so glad I was there though. I am blessed to have been able to see them out as they saw me in. It's such a precious thing. My blessings are my heart break...
I started this blog with a song that in most ways explains my feelings towards momma. I am ending it with the last song I played for her. It was a part of the slide show I made for daddies funeral and it touched her heart, b/c that is how she felt for daddy. The day before she died she wanted to hear it... and then he brought her home. I am glad they are together again but I wish they hadn't left so soon. I miss them!
http://youtu.be/fqHNzlms-ok
The past two days have been eye opening. I have really missed my momma... I have wanted her back. I have realized how numb I have been. I have been going through all of my days since mom passed either being angry at what transpired before she died or sad that it did. When I know in my heart that I was most angry that my daddy and my momma where being ripped out of my life. It's not fair, I still need them. I still want my mom to give me advice, even though I know what she will say.... I want to hear HER say it.
I'm stuck in life... no job, no parents, and I'm not sure how to move on. I have been trying to not think about it, I have been trying to keep going and stay strong for my kids, like it didn't happen. But it did and I am orphaned... I am no longer a daughter, and I still want to be someones daughter... I want a parent. I hate feeling like my guiding lights have been snuffed. I can't keep on like this acting like nothing happened.
Yesterday I was missing my momma so much...I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it but it needs to be on it. I need to face all of it... I am just not sure how to grieve for them both at the same time. That comfort that I always had that I took for granted is gone. The people I turned to that got me through my worst times are gone. Who can I turn to? I feel so trapped not moving forward and not moving back.
I have thought when I go back to work I will get back on track... I still feel that way, it will be a step forward. I guess however, sitting here tonight, feeling all of this sadness is also a step forward. I haven't allowed it in. I am and I was a daughter of two wonderful parents, who were imperfect... same as I am as a mother. It took both of their influences good and bad to make me who I am ... and who I am misses them so much on so many levels.
It sucks to lose one parent... it sucks to watch one suffer and give in to their illness... but seeing it twice in under a year is so heartbreaking. I am so glad I was there though. I am blessed to have been able to see them out as they saw me in. It's such a precious thing. My blessings are my heart break...
I started this blog with a song that in most ways explains my feelings towards momma. I am ending it with the last song I played for her. It was a part of the slide show I made for daddies funeral and it touched her heart, b/c that is how she felt for daddy. The day before she died she wanted to hear it... and then he brought her home. I am glad they are together again but I wish they hadn't left so soon. I miss them!
http://youtu.be/fqHNzlms-ok
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I've been slacking.... new to me social anxiety
So last night I went to the first social gathering I have been to in over two years. Sad right? I am used to 2 three times a month going to friends houses for grill outs and such, or going to networking events, kids parties... etc. I have always been able to feel completely at ease going out even if I didn't know a soul where I was going I could walk out with a ton of new friends. Last night for the first time I had so much anxiety. I was even angry with myself b/c I couldn't understand what the deal was. I have never in my life felt like that except for maybe a couple of birthday parties when I was a kid...(b/c I was a total fatty and didn't want to be made fun of by ppl I didn't know).
Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.
I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.
I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy! I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.
I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.
I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.
http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU
Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.
I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.
I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy! I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.
I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.
I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.
http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU
Friday, August 8, 2014
Tamela and my Parents
Tonight I had it on my heart to call my cousin Tamela. She is my mothers half sisters daughter.... so forget about the half part... she is my cousin. After our phone call I felt more like she is a sister or kindred spirit that I had yet to connect with. In 2012 her mother passed away from cancer and her circumstances concerning her mothers care were almost identical to mine.... through our conversation I found a link and a peace that I had been looking for. Someone who did what I did and for the same reasons. I hope she knows how much that means to me and how much that has put my soul at ease.
Tamela had a very tumultuous childhood and went through things no one, child or adult should ever go through. In her pain and trying to grow she found a path through my parents that helped her become who she is. I never knew this.... I knew mom and dad would help who ever they could, (and I always knew that she was very special to them) but never knew a story on her level. As she told me what my daddy gave her and how she knew how life should be b/c of them I was bawling my eyes out. God.... I was so happy they were there to be what she needed, b/c even though we have never met face to face she is a part of my history, present, and my future. She knew me before I was born.... (weird but it just dawned on me..... I dreamed about this so many months ago.)
I never knew mom had many miscarriages before she carried me full term... yet Tami was there when I was in her tummy, even felt me moving around in there. She remembered conversations about mom having amniocentesis b/c she was older when she had me and wanted to make sure I would be ok. She told me even if I had any kind of issue, they were determined to be prepared and have me anyways. I never knew this... I didn't know I was that important. They hadn't even finalized my brothers adoption, b/c the agency wouldn't let them until it was clear I was viable. So they went to great ends to make sure they could have us both. I always felt like a mistake but now I know we were both special to them... we were both important. No matter who carried us they fought for us both.
I can't begin to express the emotion this brought upon me. I wish they could have shared this with us both. I wish it was shared with me. I knew as a pregnancy I was a long shot but never knew I was that important. I am filled with so many mixed emotions. However, the most emotional part of my conversation with my cousin was not about things I didn't know about me but things I didn't know my parents gave her.
I can't really put to words how much love I felt for not only Tamela but my mom and dad for what they gave her. It's an agape love that the bible teaches... I am so glad I called her tonight. What a hero she is to so many people that may not even know it yet... what an impact she had on me and my life in such a short time. I just cant put to words what she shared with me has meant to me... so much love and respect. Its an honor to know that the two people who made me help mold such a fantastic person... as my sweet Neener would say... My cup runeth over. For the first time in so many months I feel so blessed ....and I thank God for my wonderful cousin and the peace she put in my heart tonight.
I talked to my parents today... more my mom than daddy. I just wanted some peace, then I felt like it was time and overwhelmed to connect to Tamela... maybe that was our mothers wanting to help comfort us. No matter the reason I am so thankful we did! I was given a gift that can't be taken away... a part of a puzzle I needed.
Tonight "Speed of Sound" is the song that sums up musically how I feel... the words are a representation of what she gave me... in the speed of one phone call... I appreciate you and what you gave me tonight and how your life began with mine from the time I was still in my mommas tummy!
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