So last night I went to the first social gathering I have been to in over two years. Sad right? I am used to 2 three times a month going to friends houses for grill outs and such, or going to networking events, kids parties... etc. I have always been able to feel completely at ease going out even if I didn't know a soul where I was going I could walk out with a ton of new friends. Last night for the first time I had so much anxiety. I was even angry with myself b/c I couldn't understand what the deal was. I have never in my life felt like that except for maybe a couple of birthday parties when I was a kid...(b/c I was a total fatty and didn't want to be made fun of by ppl I didn't know).
Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.
I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.
I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy! I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.
I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.
I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.
http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU
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