A daily battle....

I heard a song today that touched my heart... here are the lyrics that struck me

'Cause she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow

When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode

Do people grieving think about it like that? Being stronger than we know? I know so many people have told me I am stronger than I think. I don't know about that I just know that what I am going through is mine. I know people have gone through worse. I know ppl have suffered more than me.... but this is mine. I don't take away their pain, I'm not in a competition as to who has it worse, please don't take away my pain like its not as bad. For me it is bad. For me I feel like an orphan.

Almost everything reminds me of mom and dad... God I miss them. I am dreading the holidays and I think my kids are too. It's an abnormal situation that I know I am not the only one to go through but again its mine. So many times in the past few months I have wanted to talk to mom and she won't talk back.

It's strange that daddy made so many attempts after he passed to let me know he was ok. But mom has been so silent. A part of me has thought she was mad. Maybe I did something wrong. Chris and his wife sure seemed to think so, but I am just so lost some days and wish she would just let me know she is ok like daddy did. Then I got this email the other day from my friend Nicole that I grew up with about a dream she had of her mother who had passed not long before mine.... 

I saw my mother for the first time last night. We were in the bleachers at a ball game, she was many rows behind me and didn't see me. When I fought through the crowd to her, she fell from the bleachers like a trap door had opened under her. Then I was in a crowded street but she was very far in front of me, moving away from me. I told everyone how happy I was! She was alive! It had all been a mistake! They just shook their heads with pity in their eyes. She rounded a corner and I followed. She had turned to face me. I called her name and she looked at me as though I was a stranger. She did not know me. She turned and walked away. My surroundings changed to a void of enveloping blackness. I listened to the silence, which gradually became a faint heartbeat that seemed to penetrate all existence. I listened more closely and made out words whispered within the rhythm. The words being repeated were, "No Man. No Self. No Death."

Upon awakening I searched frantically for paper to write this dream down. The VERY FIRST place my hand went to was a box next to my bed. I looked inside and found a book. I had the thought that it was strange that I had a book in my home that I'd not read. I opened it to discover that it was hollow inside. There was where I discovered the aquamarine that I thought I had lost months earlier.
Before that dream my life was in shambles. When the jewel was "returned" I cried. Not regular crying. It was snot-running, wailing and laughing simultaneously hysterical if-someone-had-seen-the-white-padded-van-would've-been-called-crying. Then a realization came to me. The best way I can explain it is as "knowing without having learned". My mother's form is gone. Her role as mother is completed. She has graduated from this world of material things and now she is formless consciousness. How could she have known me in the state I was in? She never knew a defeated, beaten, miserable Nicole. I knew then that the sorrow I felt was for myself alone! She did not leave me. She transcended back to where we all come from. Her essence now lives in everything beautiful and natural. Jesus said,"Split open a piece of wood and I am there. Turn over a stone and I am there." This is true of my mom also. She is in every leaf, in every bird's song, in the very oxygen we breathe. Nothing that is really alive ever dies. It only changes form.

You are wrong about your mom being mad. How could one possibly feel anger in Heaven? It wouldn't be Heaven if that were possible. I think they go through an orientation upon arrival. Perhaps she's still learning the ropes there. Or maybe she is with you EVERY SECOND but you aren't ready or able to recognize her. Open your heart and stop trying to see with your eyes. Your mind will trick you, but your soul cannot deceive.

Nicole... you will never know how much you have helped me and opened my eyes...

http://youtu.be/WIm1GgfRz6M