I've been so numb

http://youtu.be/h8oTT9r9978

The past two days have been eye opening. I have really missed my momma... I have wanted her back. I have realized how numb I have been. I have been going through all of my days since mom passed either being angry at what transpired before she died or sad that it did. When I know in my heart that I was most angry that my daddy and my momma where being ripped out of my life. It's not fair, I still need them. I still want my mom to give me advice, even though I know what she will say.... I want to hear HER say it.

I'm stuck in life... no job, no parents, and I'm not sure how to move on. I have been trying to not think about it, I have been trying to keep going and stay strong for my kids, like it didn't happen. But it did and I am orphaned... I am no longer a daughter, and I still want to be someones daughter... I want a parent. I hate feeling like my guiding lights have been snuffed. I can't keep on like this acting like nothing happened.

Yesterday I was missing my momma so much...I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it but it needs to be on it. I need to face all of it... I am just not sure how to grieve for them both at the same time. That comfort that I always had that I took for granted is gone. The people I turned to that got me through my worst times are gone. Who can I turn to? I feel so trapped not moving forward and not moving back.

I have thought when I go back to work I will get back on track... I still feel that way, it will be a step forward. I guess however, sitting here tonight, feeling all of this sadness is also a step forward. I haven't allowed it in. I am and I was a daughter of two wonderful parents, who were imperfect... same as I am as a mother. It took both of their influences good and bad to make me who I am ... and who I am misses them so much on so many levels.

It sucks to lose one parent... it sucks to watch one suffer and give in to their illness... but seeing it twice in under a year is so heartbreaking. I am so glad I was there though. I am blessed to have been able to see them out as they saw me in. It's such a precious thing. My blessings are my heart break...

I started this blog with a song that in most ways explains my feelings towards momma. I am ending it with the last song I played for her. It was a part of the slide show I made for daddies funeral and it touched her heart, b/c that is how she felt for daddy. The day before she died she wanted to hear it... and then he brought her home. I am glad they are together again but I wish they hadn't left so soon. I miss them!

http://youtu.be/fqHNzlms-ok