The Holidays

I just can not explain how much I am dreading the holidays. The closer I get to Thursday the more low I feel, not that Thanksgiving was the biggest Richardson extravaganza of them all, but it was mom's day to be a cooking star. She always made this fantastic spread on TG and her boiled custard and stuffing was what I looked forward to the most. The last one I had with my parents was in 2011. I had friends over, mom had friends over there almost wasn't enough food and mom and dad both agreed it was the best one we ever had! The next year we knew daddy had his surgery coming up and mom and dad decided they wanted to have a quiet TG like they did in the past before kids came along. I was sick so it wasn't a huge deal but last years was sad. My first without Daddy and mom was to sick to come over so we brought it to her...she barely even ate.

Then comes Christmas... daddy's favorite. I admit last years was a disaster. I went through the motions until Christmas Day, mom was in the hospital, daddy was gone and I got out of bed long enough to watch the kids open their gifts and then back to bed I went until that evening I got up to bring mom her gift and visit with her. The last big Christmas we had with them also was in 2011. Mom went all out too. It was so nice, daddy and I tricked mom for the 10th year in a row into opening daddy's canoe (she hated that stuff and we loved to mess with her). This year there is no canoe, no mom , and no daddy. At least last year I knew my mom was still here. This year, ugh man I am just dreading it so bad. No calls, no visits... they are just gone.

Lastly I am dreading the whole month of January. My birthday is at the end of the month and daddy with early Alzheimer's knew it was in January but couldn't remember which day even when I reminded him. So he would send me a card once a week until the month was over so he made sure he got it. He always said I was so special to him he thought I should be able to celebrate all month. Last year was hard but mom was doing better and living in Murfreesboro. So I came to get her at the nursing home and took her back to my house where Lee cooked a big ole meal for her. I kept her out so late we got locked out of Adams Place. We laughed for weeks about me getting her in trouble and keeping her out past her curfew. She said of all the birthdays she had with me aside from the day she gave birth to me that one was the best. Her greatest gift was to spend it with me. This year there will be no cards once a week and no mom.... God it really just blows.

I have said since daddy got sick that taking care of dying parents almost causes PTSD... I still hold firm to that theory. There is no time limit even though I want to just forget all of this damn pain and sadness. I wish that by tomorrow I would be over it but it doesn't work like that, my hope is that year by year it will be less difficult. Until then it feels like I could explode from the inside out.