http://youtu.be/h8oTT9r9978
The past two days have been eye opening. I have really missed my momma... I have wanted her back. I have realized how numb I have been. I have been going through all of my days since mom passed either being angry at what transpired before she died or sad that it did. When I know in my heart that I was most angry that my daddy and my momma where being ripped out of my life. It's not fair, I still need them. I still want my mom to give me advice, even though I know what she will say.... I want to hear HER say it.
I'm stuck in life... no job, no parents, and I'm not sure how to move on. I have been trying to not think about it, I have been trying to keep going and stay strong for my kids, like it didn't happen. But it did and I am orphaned... I am no longer a daughter, and I still want to be someones daughter... I want a parent. I hate feeling like my guiding lights have been snuffed. I can't keep on like this acting like nothing happened.
Yesterday I was missing my momma so much...I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it but it needs to be on it. I need to face all of it... I am just not sure how to grieve for them both at the same time. That comfort that I always had that I took for granted is gone. The people I turned to that got me through my worst times are gone. Who can I turn to? I feel so trapped not moving forward and not moving back.
I have thought when I go back to work I will get back on track... I still feel that way, it will be a step forward. I guess however, sitting here tonight, feeling all of this sadness is also a step forward. I haven't allowed it in. I am and I was a daughter of two wonderful parents, who were imperfect... same as I am as a mother. It took both of their influences good and bad to make me who I am ... and who I am misses them so much on so many levels.
It sucks to lose one parent... it sucks to watch one suffer and give in to their illness... but seeing it twice in under a year is so heartbreaking. I am so glad I was there though. I am blessed to have been able to see them out as they saw me in. It's such a precious thing. My blessings are my heart break...
I started this blog with a song that in most ways explains my feelings towards momma. I am ending it with the last song I played for her. It was a part of the slide show I made for daddies funeral and it touched her heart, b/c that is how she felt for daddy. The day before she died she wanted to hear it... and then he brought her home. I am glad they are together again but I wish they hadn't left so soon. I miss them!
http://youtu.be/fqHNzlms-ok
Friday, August 22, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I've been slacking.... new to me social anxiety
So last night I went to the first social gathering I have been to in over two years. Sad right? I am used to 2 three times a month going to friends houses for grill outs and such, or going to networking events, kids parties... etc. I have always been able to feel completely at ease going out even if I didn't know a soul where I was going I could walk out with a ton of new friends. Last night for the first time I had so much anxiety. I was even angry with myself b/c I couldn't understand what the deal was. I have never in my life felt like that except for maybe a couple of birthday parties when I was a kid...(b/c I was a total fatty and didn't want to be made fun of by ppl I didn't know).
Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.
I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.
I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy! I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.
I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.
I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.
http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU
Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.
I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.
I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy! I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.
I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.
I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.
http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU
Friday, August 8, 2014
Tamela and my Parents
Tonight I had it on my heart to call my cousin Tamela. She is my mothers half sisters daughter.... so forget about the half part... she is my cousin. After our phone call I felt more like she is a sister or kindred spirit that I had yet to connect with. In 2012 her mother passed away from cancer and her circumstances concerning her mothers care were almost identical to mine.... through our conversation I found a link and a peace that I had been looking for. Someone who did what I did and for the same reasons. I hope she knows how much that means to me and how much that has put my soul at ease.
Tamela had a very tumultuous childhood and went through things no one, child or adult should ever go through. In her pain and trying to grow she found a path through my parents that helped her become who she is. I never knew this.... I knew mom and dad would help who ever they could, (and I always knew that she was very special to them) but never knew a story on her level. As she told me what my daddy gave her and how she knew how life should be b/c of them I was bawling my eyes out. God.... I was so happy they were there to be what she needed, b/c even though we have never met face to face she is a part of my history, present, and my future. She knew me before I was born.... (weird but it just dawned on me..... I dreamed about this so many months ago.)
I never knew mom had many miscarriages before she carried me full term... yet Tami was there when I was in her tummy, even felt me moving around in there. She remembered conversations about mom having amniocentesis b/c she was older when she had me and wanted to make sure I would be ok. She told me even if I had any kind of issue, they were determined to be prepared and have me anyways. I never knew this... I didn't know I was that important. They hadn't even finalized my brothers adoption, b/c the agency wouldn't let them until it was clear I was viable. So they went to great ends to make sure they could have us both. I always felt like a mistake but now I know we were both special to them... we were both important. No matter who carried us they fought for us both.
I can't begin to express the emotion this brought upon me. I wish they could have shared this with us both. I wish it was shared with me. I knew as a pregnancy I was a long shot but never knew I was that important. I am filled with so many mixed emotions. However, the most emotional part of my conversation with my cousin was not about things I didn't know about me but things I didn't know my parents gave her.
I can't really put to words how much love I felt for not only Tamela but my mom and dad for what they gave her. It's an agape love that the bible teaches... I am so glad I called her tonight. What a hero she is to so many people that may not even know it yet... what an impact she had on me and my life in such a short time. I just cant put to words what she shared with me has meant to me... so much love and respect. Its an honor to know that the two people who made me help mold such a fantastic person... as my sweet Neener would say... My cup runeth over. For the first time in so many months I feel so blessed ....and I thank God for my wonderful cousin and the peace she put in my heart tonight.
I talked to my parents today... more my mom than daddy. I just wanted some peace, then I felt like it was time and overwhelmed to connect to Tamela... maybe that was our mothers wanting to help comfort us. No matter the reason I am so thankful we did! I was given a gift that can't be taken away... a part of a puzzle I needed.
Tonight "Speed of Sound" is the song that sums up musically how I feel... the words are a representation of what she gave me... in the speed of one phone call... I appreciate you and what you gave me tonight and how your life began with mine from the time I was still in my mommas tummy!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wish I could call y'all
http://youtu.be/CuDqHtAR6L8?list=AL94UKMTqg-9C2X47VYa0ZOwB4yTRUECzj...
I put the link to the song I listen to when I type this stuff out first b/c for me it just sums it up when you listen while you read.
Today I passed my real estate exam. On my first go at it I scored 100% on both the state and national exam. I was so nervous... the questions were nothing like all of the practice exams I took on line... it was completely alien. I want to call my daddy and mom so bad. Aside from being a mom (which is the most important thing and biggest job I have ever craved for in my life) this is the very first thing I saw through 100%. I started college and got pretty far... but didn't finish, it was more important to be a mommy once I found out I was preggers at 23.... But this... it scared me, it challenged my patients... and I saw it through. I plan on building my career around it and rocking it out like nobodies business. I can promise I will be the best most proactive I have ever been at any job b/c I worked, suffered, and beat the odds to get this licence.
Yet............................. When I walked out........................... I felt such a heaviness in my heart b/c I wanted to call daddy and tell him... "Hey my ADD butt finally saw it through... I DID IT AND I DID IT BIG!!!" Man he would be so proud... he wouldn't be shocked... I know mom would have been proud too. Maybe there is something about the dying process where you can see what is going to happen, but when I went the first time and my drivers licence had the wrong name and I couldn't test, before I left, I asked mom.. "do you think I will pass", to which she answered.. "no". That space represents me being taken aback... but, she was right, I didn't pass I didn't even get to test. Weird, I guess in some way she kinda knew. But, I was heartbroken that I felt I didn't have the support from the one person I wanted it from the most. In a way I suppose its true that moms know most everything.... about their kids. Today however, I wished I could have just been able to call and share it with them.
I for the first time in a very long time, experienced not only some peace, but a sense of pride in myself. I have rarely been able to allow me to be proud of myself and today, I accomplished something I busted my bootie for... in a time when I am sad and in a not so great place I pushed through. It took a lot, and I did it and I found a strength I didn't know I had. I am proud of me, I have never been so proud of myself, and I wish they could have been here to share it with me. If I could tell my daddy anything in this moment it would be... Thank you for the strength you gave me and the tenacity to believe in myself. If I could tell my mom anything it would be, rejoice with me... b/c you made me, you gave me life, you gave me my stubbornness to not give up. I couldn't have done this on my own, without the wonderful things my parents instilled in me... I wish they were here to answer my call and share this with me.
I put the link to the song I listen to when I type this stuff out first b/c for me it just sums it up when you listen while you read.
Today I passed my real estate exam. On my first go at it I scored 100% on both the state and national exam. I was so nervous... the questions were nothing like all of the practice exams I took on line... it was completely alien. I want to call my daddy and mom so bad. Aside from being a mom (which is the most important thing and biggest job I have ever craved for in my life) this is the very first thing I saw through 100%. I started college and got pretty far... but didn't finish, it was more important to be a mommy once I found out I was preggers at 23.... But this... it scared me, it challenged my patients... and I saw it through. I plan on building my career around it and rocking it out like nobodies business. I can promise I will be the best most proactive I have ever been at any job b/c I worked, suffered, and beat the odds to get this licence.
Yet............................. When I walked out........................... I felt such a heaviness in my heart b/c I wanted to call daddy and tell him... "Hey my ADD butt finally saw it through... I DID IT AND I DID IT BIG!!!" Man he would be so proud... he wouldn't be shocked... I know mom would have been proud too. Maybe there is something about the dying process where you can see what is going to happen, but when I went the first time and my drivers licence had the wrong name and I couldn't test, before I left, I asked mom.. "do you think I will pass", to which she answered.. "no". That space represents me being taken aback... but, she was right, I didn't pass I didn't even get to test. Weird, I guess in some way she kinda knew. But, I was heartbroken that I felt I didn't have the support from the one person I wanted it from the most. In a way I suppose its true that moms know most everything.... about their kids. Today however, I wished I could have just been able to call and share it with them.
I for the first time in a very long time, experienced not only some peace, but a sense of pride in myself. I have rarely been able to allow me to be proud of myself and today, I accomplished something I busted my bootie for... in a time when I am sad and in a not so great place I pushed through. It took a lot, and I did it and I found a strength I didn't know I had. I am proud of me, I have never been so proud of myself, and I wish they could have been here to share it with me. If I could tell my daddy anything in this moment it would be... Thank you for the strength you gave me and the tenacity to believe in myself. If I could tell my mom anything it would be, rejoice with me... b/c you made me, you gave me life, you gave me my stubbornness to not give up. I couldn't have done this on my own, without the wonderful things my parents instilled in me... I wish they were here to answer my call and share this with me.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I just wanted to save her...
I do not want to let the hurt of losing my parents consume me and make me come out of it a person that I am not meant to be. What do I want to be when I emerge from this... I know I will be different, it's like planting a seed but its up to me to become a flower or a weed. Totally just made a rhyme... but I know I am going to be changed forever. I am not sure if people really think about that when they lose someone that was such a big part of their life. I read something this afternoon that said, " maybe the journey isn't becoming something different but unbecoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place". This is how I feel about coming to terms with my feelings towards mom. I always tried to be everything she wanted me to be so I would feel accepted... somewhere along the way I feel like I lost who I am.
I am really going to have to work through my relationship with her. We had some good times but all in all our relationship was really strained once I became an adult. I think a great deal of my portion was anger I had buried and how I felt many times I was the target of her insecurities. When I knew she was dying I felt like it was my chance to help her come to peace with the demons that she had dealt with for so long. Logic and experience say you can't change others they can only change themselves, but in my heart I really wanted to give her some peace.
I am holding on to so much guilt b/c I wasn't successful. It's silly to think that I know, but I wanted to experience some peace between us before she left me. There were several days I went to talk to her when she was awake to tell her how I felt and how I wished we could find some comfort. I also wanted her to know how much I loved her and how special she was to me. When I stopped to let her respond it was met with nothing. It was crushing to feel that silence. I felt like a child begging for some acceptance... just something to let me know it mattered, or that I mattered. I felt rejected, yet I still went back in and continued. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, but Acts 20 :35 says In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ .... I did want to receive validation, but more importantly I wanted to give her a love that she was scared to give to me. I had hoped in that ...the light bulb would go off. Luke 6:31 says "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." People who knew about our relationship who wondered why I took the charge of her care would ask why... why would you subject yourself to more pain, my answer was that scripture. I know my mom loved me ... she told many people things she never told me in the end about how awesome I am.... but she didn't tell me. Maybe I should have started the topic with her sooner. I was just always scared of her or what she would say.
I could say that I did everything I could and let that be ok but it's not what I wanted and I am not sure how to let myself be ok with that. Mom was treated the same way by her mother but a little worse. She didn't do the physical harm, and not much of the harsh emotional harm... but what I did get that wasn't corrected made me feel so unworthy of love. I felt in someways I wasn't worth the love and in that, I made friendships with people who I let take advantage of me.. I felt like that was what I deserve. But it's not. I don't deserve that. I do forgive mom, I used to be a type of person that had a hard time forgiving but a sermon set me straight on that topic. How can I expect forgiveness (b/c I wasn't always an angel) if I can't forgive... but I want to feel ok or at least not feel as if it was my fault or that I was a failure. I wish I had more time or the courage to mend things sooner... which leads me to the song I will end my blog with. Oasis, Don't go Away... I mean who doesn't love them and its really the song version of how I feel.
http://youtu.be/Ab1nJg4RKw0
I am really going to have to work through my relationship with her. We had some good times but all in all our relationship was really strained once I became an adult. I think a great deal of my portion was anger I had buried and how I felt many times I was the target of her insecurities. When I knew she was dying I felt like it was my chance to help her come to peace with the demons that she had dealt with for so long. Logic and experience say you can't change others they can only change themselves, but in my heart I really wanted to give her some peace.
I am holding on to so much guilt b/c I wasn't successful. It's silly to think that I know, but I wanted to experience some peace between us before she left me. There were several days I went to talk to her when she was awake to tell her how I felt and how I wished we could find some comfort. I also wanted her to know how much I loved her and how special she was to me. When I stopped to let her respond it was met with nothing. It was crushing to feel that silence. I felt like a child begging for some acceptance... just something to let me know it mattered, or that I mattered. I felt rejected, yet I still went back in and continued. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, but Acts 20 :35 says In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ .... I did want to receive validation, but more importantly I wanted to give her a love that she was scared to give to me. I had hoped in that ...the light bulb would go off. Luke 6:31 says "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." People who knew about our relationship who wondered why I took the charge of her care would ask why... why would you subject yourself to more pain, my answer was that scripture. I know my mom loved me ... she told many people things she never told me in the end about how awesome I am.... but she didn't tell me. Maybe I should have started the topic with her sooner. I was just always scared of her or what she would say.
I could say that I did everything I could and let that be ok but it's not what I wanted and I am not sure how to let myself be ok with that. Mom was treated the same way by her mother but a little worse. She didn't do the physical harm, and not much of the harsh emotional harm... but what I did get that wasn't corrected made me feel so unworthy of love. I felt in someways I wasn't worth the love and in that, I made friendships with people who I let take advantage of me.. I felt like that was what I deserve. But it's not. I don't deserve that. I do forgive mom, I used to be a type of person that had a hard time forgiving but a sermon set me straight on that topic. How can I expect forgiveness (b/c I wasn't always an angel) if I can't forgive... but I want to feel ok or at least not feel as if it was my fault or that I was a failure. I wish I had more time or the courage to mend things sooner... which leads me to the song I will end my blog with. Oasis, Don't go Away... I mean who doesn't love them and its really the song version of how I feel.
http://youtu.be/Ab1nJg4RKw0
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Almost Football Time in Tennessee
Only 35 Days until college football season starts. One thing daddy always said was college football was the purest form of the sport. Guys are playing their heart out to go pro and that is the incentive. They aren't being paid, they love the sport, they bust their butts... college football is the best. It was hard last year watching it without daddy. If I wasn't watching it with dad we were calling each other through the game or after. Then before church started we would sit in the pew the next day and complain about bad coaching lol. When I was a little girl I would sit in his lap and watch whatever sport he was watching. It was mainly baseball, but I was always there with him when it was on.
Daddy would take me to most of the Braves games he went to b/c he said I was his lucky charm. 9 times out of 10 when he took me they would win. Even when they were the baby blues and sucked worse than any team out there.... aside of the Angels maybe. He had this chair that he always sat in that he got from his dad. It is really the only thing I want from moms if I had to pick just 1 thing. Its old and worn, but its the sports chair and I wouldn't change it. My most favorite of all memories is being a little girl sitting in his lap listening to Skip Carey call the games. I can hear the crickets chirping in the window that was next to where we sat and feel the warm breeze blow in. I never felt more safe and loved. Most of the time didn't stay awake after the 7th inning stretch but I always made myself stay awake so I could sing " take me out to the ball game" with daddy.
Going to the games was a whole different bag of chips. I am pretty sure daddy would at least start one stadium sweeping wave per game at Fulton County Stadium. He taught me how to heckle and not get kicked out lol, and taught me everything one would need to know about the game. Then when it was time to sing he always picked me up and held me while we sang. We even got on the jumbotron a couple of times.
In 5 weeks the 1 year anniversary of his passing and his birthday will be upon me. Every day I think this time last year daddy was still here. That small comfort is fixing to expire and now its time to get used to it.
Growing up my daddy used to always say, you go to your mom with all of your problems sometimes I wish you could come to me, so I did and he had my back ever since. If I was being picked on by an ex-husband, a boss, a friend, well just being picked on I knew he would take up for me even if I didn't need it. When I was 18 I was working at a hotel as the front desk clerk. I against policy gave my drunk friends a room one night so they would stay off the streets and not get into a wreck or a DUI. I was later fired for it and my dad called up there and raised hell! He always got so dang furious when he felt like I was being treated poorly....and I don't mean a little mad....flames coming from his ears!! Who would I be if it wasn't for his support?
Daddy would take me to most of the Braves games he went to b/c he said I was his lucky charm. 9 times out of 10 when he took me they would win. Even when they were the baby blues and sucked worse than any team out there.... aside of the Angels maybe. He had this chair that he always sat in that he got from his dad. It is really the only thing I want from moms if I had to pick just 1 thing. Its old and worn, but its the sports chair and I wouldn't change it. My most favorite of all memories is being a little girl sitting in his lap listening to Skip Carey call the games. I can hear the crickets chirping in the window that was next to where we sat and feel the warm breeze blow in. I never felt more safe and loved. Most of the time didn't stay awake after the 7th inning stretch but I always made myself stay awake so I could sing " take me out to the ball game" with daddy.
Going to the games was a whole different bag of chips. I am pretty sure daddy would at least start one stadium sweeping wave per game at Fulton County Stadium. He taught me how to heckle and not get kicked out lol, and taught me everything one would need to know about the game. Then when it was time to sing he always picked me up and held me while we sang. We even got on the jumbotron a couple of times.
In 5 weeks the 1 year anniversary of his passing and his birthday will be upon me. Every day I think this time last year daddy was still here. That small comfort is fixing to expire and now its time to get used to it.
Growing up my daddy used to always say, you go to your mom with all of your problems sometimes I wish you could come to me, so I did and he had my back ever since. If I was being picked on by an ex-husband, a boss, a friend, well just being picked on I knew he would take up for me even if I didn't need it. When I was 18 I was working at a hotel as the front desk clerk. I against policy gave my drunk friends a room one night so they would stay off the streets and not get into a wreck or a DUI. I was later fired for it and my dad called up there and raised hell! He always got so dang furious when he felt like I was being treated poorly....and I don't mean a little mad....flames coming from his ears!! Who would I be if it wasn't for his support?
I think I would be a shell of a woman, I think I would still be married to a person who treated me horribly for years, or worse a spinster b/c I had no confidence. My dad has always made me feel like I am important and I have a voice. He always told me it's okay to be silly and to always be who I am not what someone wanted me to be b/c who I am is how God made me. He has been one of my biggest supports even if he didn't agree with why he was supporting me, maybe he's not the perfect parent but he has been perfect for me!
Thursday, July 24, 2014
So tired of being tired... I just want to sleep
So the past few nights I have been tyring to go to sleep without taking melatonin, or an anti-anxiety med...b/c lemme tell ya, my anxiety is through the roof. Why is that exactly? One would think it wouldn't be right, I mean I'm not working as of yet, I am not watching a parent slowly die daily, (although the memory is still there) so why am I so tense? What is it going to take for me to be still? It is the stillness that I can't seem to grasp. Take for example my panic hike Tuesday. It was more like a run and something that I wanted to be a tool to clear my head ended up making things worse. How do I learn to slow down and quiet the mental chatter? While I am sure I don't, sometimes I compare what I have been through in the past 2 years to a series of events that would lead me to have PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I mean why not? I'm not therapist I almost got done with school to be one but decided I wanted to be a mommy more than that, so here is my arm chair daily deduction of myself. I think in a way I do have a smidgen of that... with a side of typical Keleigh who lives life at Warp Speed, talks fast, walks fast, cooks fast, (I was actually trying to see if I could cut me 30 min morning yoga routine down to 15 to save time and get all the moves in.....redic!) just always all the time go go gO GO....and then pray to actually sleep. I keep on the move for several reasons one big one is not slowing down and getting lazy. Lazy is something that scares me. I think all this going and doing is burning calories so that's good.... but I don't feel better. The whole PTSD thing... well watching 2 parents die in one year and being an active care taker and dealing with the fall out is pretty darned traumatic. I wasn't dodging bullets over seas but I feel shell shocked.
One would think that with all of this free time I would be an idiot not to take it to learn how to slllooooooowwwwww down. Sadly, I really don't know how. Mom was the exact same way... daddy was at the other end of the spectrum, now I want to figure out how to bring those two extremes together. I think I keep my brain on ludicrous speed (Space Balls) to not allow the troubles I have gone through in. It's really hard to think about it. I was getting one of my free massages yesterday and all I could do was lay there and think about all of this chaos in my head. It's literally like a bunch of midgets MMA fighting in my head.
One of the midgets is my mom and all of the unresolved problems she and I had. Just for future reference to mom's friends who made read my blog... I mean no disrespect to her or her memory however you hold it. I imagine it is a good loving memory... I wish I had more of those. Sometimes its just as hard to be a daughter as it is to be a mother. Sometimes when how you were raised controls how you wanted to be raised parents say things and do things to the ones closest to them that hurt. I loved my mom dearly I gave up everything she wanted me to so I could care for her. Mom had even admitted many times she was not a care taker. To her friends she was. I can think of a time where they would call and she would leave the hospital with daddy on life support to go be there for them. Even before daddy had his surgery it was the same, she came to the hospital the day I had my son and never came back b/c she had a close friend going through an emotional time. I sat there for 5 days alone b/c my husband wanted to work and not take off, my mom would have rather had been with a friend, my mother-in-law was taking care of her dying husband at the time, and my dad needed a ride. He at least called me every day.
But I think about stuff like that. As a mom, I would talk to my friend on the phone when I had finished with my family. Family comes first! Then friends.... it was never like that for me. When my mom died I was left feeling like I was never good enough for her. Although, I tried my best to make her proud I think maybe I was too much like daddy and being as soft hearted as I am it hurts to feel like this. I want to feel loved. Don't we all want to feel loved? My first husband never showed me a true love. I was of no importance to him aside from breeding. Mom just thought he hung the moon. Even after he raped me she said I need to do what I can to fix it for the kids. This is where I am different. I would have been in jail for attempted butt kicking with a aluminum bat to the head if a man did that to my girl. He raped me 3 times before I made him move into another part of the house. Mom wouldn't let daddy say a word. He wanted to kill him, but mom wanted to keep the peace. A part of me felt like she want to see me in pain. Why would she not try to help? Why would she not let daddy? I was ashamed and embarrassed and the reaction I got put a wall around my heart that I wish I never allowed to be built.
So that is just scratching the surface of my mom's midget... another one is basic stress from what I have gone through and grief. In case I haven't said it a million times... I miss my daddy so bad. I don't know what part of grief I am in b/c its been put off then dumped back on me so much I feel a real confusion. Then there is the midget that guilt's me and makes me second guess everything that would prob. be good for me. Then there is Speedy Gonzales that will just not get off the hamster wheel. Just typing this makes me feel pent up. I think I am going to go scream into a pillow. I remember mom would get mad or stressed when I was a kid and she would go into a room and scream into pillows. Chris and I would actually laugh b/c it sounded funny... but maybe I should try that. In the meantime I just want a good nights sleep, I don't want to take something to get me there, I want to talk about it all to get me there and get it out of my head.
Even though I am left with regret.... I still love my mom, and I miss her. She was an example of a loving friend and helping others. We had a couple of amazing months together where it was just she and I, there was no one to take my place, no one to leave me to go help... just us. We could talk, she would call me having panic attacks and I would talk her down... it's strange to become the parent of your parent. I remember her talking me down after my first panic attack, and taking me to the hospital when I had my second miscarriage and only 3 years ago holding my hair when I puked from food poisoning while trying to get me admitted to the ER b/c I was a severely sick, single mom with no one to help me. So when I talk of my regrets... it wasn't all bad. Sometimes the bad was just really bad and hurt b/c it was my momma... and I loved her so much her approval was what I wanted. It's hard to be a mom, but it's also hard to be a daughter sometimes.
I think with my mom, I was such a momma's girl for so long. I think she liked the fact that I was attached at the hip. Then I got older and started to become who I am now. I became independent and self sufficient and I no longer was attached at the hip, I wanted to grow up and be me. Daddy always said God made me special, and I wasn't even supposed to be created so however I am know it's for a reason that only God knows and one day I will figure out. So it sounded good to me, but somewhere along the way I think it hurt mom to not feel needed anymore. She was raised by a mother that didn't want her and I think me becoming independent put her back into an environment where maybe she felt abandoned. Maybe I was punished for it. It is however, how I view it... I could be wrong. I get it though, the older Sophie gets the less she needs me and its tough to not be needed. It's hard to let go of our daughters and sons when we love them so much and miss those days where they unconditionally loved and needed you. I can see how it would hurt her after how she was raised. I just wish she would have talked to me and we could have figured it out. Then the little midget that makes me blame myself for everything that goes wrong would sit down and shut it. IT's only been a month my logic says it's going to take time but my speedy emotions wants to move on now. I just have to continue to find some peace with it all.
I will end this post with this, last night I sat outside and watched a pretty awesome storm roll in. I thought about how when I was little mom would get me to sit outside with her and watch the storms roll in. We would watch the lightening and count until it thundered. She is where I got my love of storms and even as I grew up she encouraged my fascination with them. In that moment I felt better about her and I missed her. I wished she was there to watch it with me. My song today is Float on by Modest Mouse... no matter what life throws in our path we have to learn to float on and not speed through. I want to be whole again, I want to float on to sleep at night. Maybe tonight I will.
http://youtu.be/CTAud5O7Qqk?list=RDTPhnOKmhbBw
One would think that with all of this free time I would be an idiot not to take it to learn how to slllooooooowwwwww down. Sadly, I really don't know how. Mom was the exact same way... daddy was at the other end of the spectrum, now I want to figure out how to bring those two extremes together. I think I keep my brain on ludicrous speed (Space Balls) to not allow the troubles I have gone through in. It's really hard to think about it. I was getting one of my free massages yesterday and all I could do was lay there and think about all of this chaos in my head. It's literally like a bunch of midgets MMA fighting in my head.
One of the midgets is my mom and all of the unresolved problems she and I had. Just for future reference to mom's friends who made read my blog... I mean no disrespect to her or her memory however you hold it. I imagine it is a good loving memory... I wish I had more of those. Sometimes its just as hard to be a daughter as it is to be a mother. Sometimes when how you were raised controls how you wanted to be raised parents say things and do things to the ones closest to them that hurt. I loved my mom dearly I gave up everything she wanted me to so I could care for her. Mom had even admitted many times she was not a care taker. To her friends she was. I can think of a time where they would call and she would leave the hospital with daddy on life support to go be there for them. Even before daddy had his surgery it was the same, she came to the hospital the day I had my son and never came back b/c she had a close friend going through an emotional time. I sat there for 5 days alone b/c my husband wanted to work and not take off, my mom would have rather had been with a friend, my mother-in-law was taking care of her dying husband at the time, and my dad needed a ride. He at least called me every day.
But I think about stuff like that. As a mom, I would talk to my friend on the phone when I had finished with my family. Family comes first! Then friends.... it was never like that for me. When my mom died I was left feeling like I was never good enough for her. Although, I tried my best to make her proud I think maybe I was too much like daddy and being as soft hearted as I am it hurts to feel like this. I want to feel loved. Don't we all want to feel loved? My first husband never showed me a true love. I was of no importance to him aside from breeding. Mom just thought he hung the moon. Even after he raped me she said I need to do what I can to fix it for the kids. This is where I am different. I would have been in jail for attempted butt kicking with a aluminum bat to the head if a man did that to my girl. He raped me 3 times before I made him move into another part of the house. Mom wouldn't let daddy say a word. He wanted to kill him, but mom wanted to keep the peace. A part of me felt like she want to see me in pain. Why would she not try to help? Why would she not let daddy? I was ashamed and embarrassed and the reaction I got put a wall around my heart that I wish I never allowed to be built.
So that is just scratching the surface of my mom's midget... another one is basic stress from what I have gone through and grief. In case I haven't said it a million times... I miss my daddy so bad. I don't know what part of grief I am in b/c its been put off then dumped back on me so much I feel a real confusion. Then there is the midget that guilt's me and makes me second guess everything that would prob. be good for me. Then there is Speedy Gonzales that will just not get off the hamster wheel. Just typing this makes me feel pent up. I think I am going to go scream into a pillow. I remember mom would get mad or stressed when I was a kid and she would go into a room and scream into pillows. Chris and I would actually laugh b/c it sounded funny... but maybe I should try that. In the meantime I just want a good nights sleep, I don't want to take something to get me there, I want to talk about it all to get me there and get it out of my head.
Even though I am left with regret.... I still love my mom, and I miss her. She was an example of a loving friend and helping others. We had a couple of amazing months together where it was just she and I, there was no one to take my place, no one to leave me to go help... just us. We could talk, she would call me having panic attacks and I would talk her down... it's strange to become the parent of your parent. I remember her talking me down after my first panic attack, and taking me to the hospital when I had my second miscarriage and only 3 years ago holding my hair when I puked from food poisoning while trying to get me admitted to the ER b/c I was a severely sick, single mom with no one to help me. So when I talk of my regrets... it wasn't all bad. Sometimes the bad was just really bad and hurt b/c it was my momma... and I loved her so much her approval was what I wanted. It's hard to be a mom, but it's also hard to be a daughter sometimes.
I think with my mom, I was such a momma's girl for so long. I think she liked the fact that I was attached at the hip. Then I got older and started to become who I am now. I became independent and self sufficient and I no longer was attached at the hip, I wanted to grow up and be me. Daddy always said God made me special, and I wasn't even supposed to be created so however I am know it's for a reason that only God knows and one day I will figure out. So it sounded good to me, but somewhere along the way I think it hurt mom to not feel needed anymore. She was raised by a mother that didn't want her and I think me becoming independent put her back into an environment where maybe she felt abandoned. Maybe I was punished for it. It is however, how I view it... I could be wrong. I get it though, the older Sophie gets the less she needs me and its tough to not be needed. It's hard to let go of our daughters and sons when we love them so much and miss those days where they unconditionally loved and needed you. I can see how it would hurt her after how she was raised. I just wish she would have talked to me and we could have figured it out. Then the little midget that makes me blame myself for everything that goes wrong would sit down and shut it. IT's only been a month my logic says it's going to take time but my speedy emotions wants to move on now. I just have to continue to find some peace with it all.
I will end this post with this, last night I sat outside and watched a pretty awesome storm roll in. I thought about how when I was little mom would get me to sit outside with her and watch the storms roll in. We would watch the lightening and count until it thundered. She is where I got my love of storms and even as I grew up she encouraged my fascination with them. In that moment I felt better about her and I missed her. I wished she was there to watch it with me. My song today is Float on by Modest Mouse... no matter what life throws in our path we have to learn to float on and not speed through. I want to be whole again, I want to float on to sleep at night. Maybe tonight I will.
http://youtu.be/CTAud5O7Qqk?list=RDTPhnOKmhbBw
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