I've been so numb

http://youtu.be/h8oTT9r9978

The past two days have been eye opening. I have really missed my momma... I have wanted her back. I have realized how numb I have been. I have been going through all of my days since mom passed either being angry at what transpired before she died or sad that it did. When I know in my heart that I was most angry that my daddy and my momma where being ripped out of my life. It's not fair, I still need them. I still want my mom to give me advice, even though I know what she will say.... I want to hear HER say it.

I'm stuck in life... no job, no parents, and I'm not sure how to move on. I have been trying to not think about it, I have been trying to keep going and stay strong for my kids, like it didn't happen. But it did and I am orphaned... I am no longer a daughter, and I still want to be someones daughter... I want a parent. I hate feeling like my guiding lights have been snuffed. I can't keep on like this acting like nothing happened.

Yesterday I was missing my momma so much...I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it but it needs to be on it. I need to face all of it... I am just not sure how to grieve for them both at the same time. That comfort that I always had that I took for granted is gone. The people I turned to that got me through my worst times are gone. Who can I turn to? I feel so trapped not moving forward and not moving back.

I have thought when I go back to work I will get back on track... I still feel that way, it will be a step forward. I guess however, sitting here tonight, feeling all of this sadness is also a step forward. I haven't allowed it in. I am and I was a daughter of two wonderful parents, who were imperfect... same as I am as a mother. It took both of their influences good and bad to make me who I am ... and who I am misses them so much on so many levels.

It sucks to lose one parent... it sucks to watch one suffer and give in to their illness... but seeing it twice in under a year is so heartbreaking. I am so glad I was there though. I am blessed to have been able to see them out as they saw me in. It's such a precious thing. My blessings are my heart break...

I started this blog with a song that in most ways explains my feelings towards momma. I am ending it with the last song I played for her. It was a part of the slide show I made for daddies funeral and it touched her heart, b/c that is how she felt for daddy. The day before she died she wanted to hear it... and then he brought her home. I am glad they are together again but I wish they hadn't left so soon. I miss them!

http://youtu.be/fqHNzlms-ok

I've been slacking.... new to me social anxiety

So last night I went to the first social gathering I have been to in over two years. Sad right? I am used to 2 three times a month going to friends houses for grill outs and such, or going to networking events, kids parties... etc. I have always been able to feel completely at ease going out even if I didn't know a soul where I was going I could walk out with a ton of new friends.  Last night for the first time I had so much anxiety. I was even angry with myself b/c I couldn't understand what the deal was. I have never in my life felt like that except for maybe a couple of birthday parties when I was a kid...(b/c I was a total fatty and didn't want to be made fun of by ppl I didn't know).

Last night however, I can't say I am sure what caused me to feel this way. After the past two years one would think I would be ready to jump back into life but, its not as easy as I thought. In typical fashion being way to hard on myself (never really thought I was until Jason {my therapist} pointed it out... several times lol) I was mad b/c I couldn't snap out of it. I was mad b/c I felt so out of place and never have felt like this and couldn't figure out why. I never seemed to care before why the hell do I care now? No matter I pushed through... pushing myself like I always do, and I am glad I went, I needed it... I just hope it gets easier.

I don't think it helped that I had a tense day, I am sick of not working... seems it will take a bit longer than I wanted to start my real estate career and the one job I interviewed for may not pan out. I am just not built to be a stay at home mom. I really want to get back into a M-F 8 to 5 gig (insurance would be super too).....Then the one song that can make me cry on command had to come on... I mean shit, just throw some good stuff my way please. I want to feel good and whole again. Not anxious and angry. I am getting into the angry phase I think.

I am over being mad at mom, I am missing her pretty bad.... I am missing daddy like crazy!  I am mad.... mad as hell, why did they both have to leave? Its not fair. I mean I know this happens to more ppl than just me but, this is mine and its just not fair. I want my parents back. It literally makes me feel sick to think about them being gone. Until I get back to work its like I can't find much to take my mind off of it.. and I want to for a while.

I try but something always makes me think of them. The song mirrors still gets me torqued out. Its about JT's grandmother who lost her husband. So when daddy died this song had just gotten big and it was always on the radio and I would have to cry it out or change the station. It made me think of my mom fighting without daddy to support her and knowing she missed him so much. It made me think of how bad daddy missed her before he died and how much he wanted to see her. I couldn't bear to see how much they missed one another and this song basically summed up how much they loved each other.

 I am tired of being strong. Its getting harder to keep this facade up. I need someone to be strong for me for a little while and let me kind of just take a vacation from all of this.

http://youtu.be/tsW1G1JlgRU

Tamela and my Parents

Tonight I had it on my heart to call my cousin Tamela. She is my mothers half sisters daughter.... so forget about the half part... she is my cousin. After our phone call I felt more like she is a sister or kindred spirit that I had yet to connect with. In 2012 her mother passed away from cancer and her circumstances concerning her mothers care were almost identical to mine.... through our conversation I found a link and a peace that I had been looking for. Someone who did what I did and for the same reasons. I hope she knows how much that means to me and how much that has put my soul at ease.

Tamela had a very tumultuous childhood and went through things no one, child or adult should ever go through. In her pain and trying to grow she found a path through my parents that helped her become who she is. I never knew this.... I knew mom and dad would help who ever they could, (and I always knew that she was very special to them) but never knew a story on her level. As she told me what my daddy gave her and how she knew how life should be b/c of them I was bawling my eyes out. God.... I was so happy they were there to be what she needed, b/c even though we have never met face to face she is a part of my history, present, and my future. She knew me before I was born.... (weird but it just dawned on me..... I dreamed about this so many months ago.) 

I never knew mom had many miscarriages before she carried me full term... yet Tami was there when I was in her tummy, even felt me moving around in there. She remembered conversations about mom having amniocentesis b/c she was older when she had me and wanted to make sure I would be ok. She told me even if I had any kind of issue, they were determined to be prepared and have me anyways. I never knew this... I didn't know I was that important. They hadn't even finalized my brothers adoption, b/c the agency wouldn't let them until it was clear I was viable. So they went to great ends to make sure they could have us both. I always felt like a mistake but now I know we were both special to them... we were both important. No matter who carried us they fought for us both. 

I can't begin to express the emotion this brought upon me. I wish they could have shared this with us both. I wish it was shared with me. I knew as a pregnancy I was a long shot but never knew I was that important. I am filled with so many mixed emotions. However, the most emotional part of my conversation with my cousin was not about things I didn't know about me but things I didn't know my parents gave her. 

I can't really put to words how much love I felt for not only Tamela but my mom and dad for what they gave her. It's an agape love that the bible teaches... I am so glad I called her tonight. What a hero she is to so many people that may not even know it yet... what an impact she had on me and my life in such a short time. I just cant put to words what she shared with me has meant to me... so much love and respect. Its an honor to know that the two people who made me help mold such a fantastic person... as my sweet Neener would say... My cup runeth over. For the first time in so many months I feel so blessed ....and I thank God for my wonderful cousin and the peace she put in my heart tonight. 

I talked to my parents today... more my mom than daddy. I just wanted some peace, then I felt like it was time and overwhelmed to connect to Tamela... maybe that was our mothers wanting to help comfort us. No matter the reason I am so thankful we did! I was given a gift that can't be taken away... a part of a puzzle I needed. 

Tonight "Speed of Sound" is the song that sums up musically how I feel... the words are a representation of what she gave me... in the speed of one phone call... I appreciate you and what you gave me tonight and how your life began with mine from the time I was still in my mommas tummy!

http://youtu.be/0k_1kvDh2UA