"Grief is like living two lives. One is where you 'pretend' everything is alright, and the other is when you are silently screaming in pain." Not only is this an accurate description of grief, it also sums up my relationship with my mom. With both it has been a struggle to move on and I have wondered, will I move on and how? If you have things left unsaid it makes the process a million more times difficult. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of the one you loved but the realization that it ended is what it was, there is no more chances to change it.... it's over. Then comes the anger. I will be honest, it is roller coaster of ups and downs, and there is no peace on the path of anger.
Since mom passed in June of 2014 I have battled with my guilt that we never had the relationship I wanted and the anger that followed behind. I have posted several things that I am sure would be shocking to those outside looking in. Things really are never as they seem. When my mom died I was left with a hole in my heart that I would never be good enough for her. I wasn't the person she wanted me to be. In her expectations that I failed, I learned to use the same expectations for everyone else in my life. Who then would break the pattern as I see my daughter doing the same? A few months ago I decided that it would be me, I am ending this heart breaking chain of behavior that left my mother feeling exactly as I did when her mother passed away. I felt not good enough, unworthy, locked in a constant competition with no one but myself. It's been like that for me since June 20th 2014.
Pretty crappy right? On top of missing her so deeply, wanting to talk to her, wanting to fix it, wanting to hear the things I never would that might have filled that hole in my heart and hers, I wanted her to know it was ok to love me. She was so hurt by her mother it was hard for her to open up overlook the trepidation of letting me in. It's taken awhile but I get it, once I understood it was a flood of sorrow for her and less disappointment in myself. It was too late for her to know I can fathom her anxieties, but in that I can heal and not repeat that pattern.
A few weeks ago, we were in the Caribbean and while the kids and Lee swam around in the pool at our Villa, I sat outside of my bedroom facing the rolling hills and watched the sunset. I started thinking about how fortunate I am to be there and what a blessing it is to be able to share it with my kids. That led into thinking about vacations I had as a child. I thought about how bad I miss daddy and how perfect our relationship was. I wondered if he can still see me, does he often swing by for a visit? Then I thought while I was alone and it was quiet and peaceful, I gotta keep truckin. Not that I ever stopped, but in some ways emotionally I did stop growing. I know without a shadow of a doubt my momma loved me deeply. At the end of the day that's all that matters. I can't stay yoked to the things that I couldn't change. It's done. It's over. There is no way to go back now, so I will move forward.
In moving forward I have to hold on to all the good she gave me in my life. I have to let go of the anger that I wanted her to be there for me, like she was for everyone else. That's selfish though isn't it. What would have happened to the ones she helped had she not been there? She may have saved some people. If I had demanded her time she would not have been able to do the work she did, it was the start of a good example that hopefully I can be to my children.... just maybe sprinkle in some balance.
I don't think I will ever understand why this happened the way it did. You could be reading this thinking, "My God she is such a spoiled brat at least she had what she did". I know what I had, that is what makes losing it so horrible. One might think,"Is she not over this yet?" Grief has no limits, no time, and no understanding. It is looking at a picture of my parents and thinking, "Man I need to call them its been a while since we talked", then realizing its been a collective 3 almost 4 years and that line is permanently disconnected. I leave you with this quote,
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
So from behind the blanket, bare with those who grieve. Be there with them even though you may not understand, b/c they will not ask. There is so much complexity and loneliness in trudging through loss day by day. Just know you are never alone!
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