..... Moving on

It has been such an eye opening week in St. Simons. Let me start by saying, my Aunt Anne is one of the most gracious kind loving women I have known in my life and I know daddy would be so happy we left the bulk of his ashes here in the ocean, near her. In the week we have been here she has gone out of her way to make sure we are having a good time, taken care of, and fed at the best places! She and Uncle Roy are just absolutely amazing people!! Daddy loved her so... he wanted the remainder of his ashes to be left here, he was with us when we left him here and I could just feel him and his daddy on the beach that day.... and she made it special.

A few months ago I knew it was time to start letting go; and in moving on, my parents had a plan and told me when it was time stick to the plan. So, I did.... I went from town to beach to river to town to scatter their ashes. I even at one point broke down, swallowed my pride and contacted their adopted son to ask if he wanted some of their ashes, to which I never got a response. Oh well.... I tried, but continued on to do as they asked me to. At the end of the road I figured out why they wanted me to go to such lengths. Revisiting all of the places we frequented in my childhood I replaced the pain of losing them with the love they spent 35 years instilling in me. I was reminded of the awesome childhood I was provided and they were in spirit by my side every town, to beach, to river, to town..... scattering their ashes.

I miss my daddy and I will continue to miss him every day until the lord calls me home. He was my most dearest and best of friends. My therapist, and protector. He was my north star and I will continue my life in his stead giving everyone who crosses my path the love and example he made for me. I miss the feisty fierce red headed hurricane that was my mom. I hope that I will make her proud even though I won't hear her say it until I am called home when I am super old. She taught me to be independant and to take care of myself. I couldn't have been a single mom without that.

Like my Aunt Anne said today as I scattered the last of daddy...." now it is time to make new memories ". She is right! It's time to let go of what was and embrace what is to come. In that I will carry the wonderful valuable pieces of immortality my mom and daddy taught me. Some of it I will tweek and make my own..... some of it I wouldn't change for the world.

As I close my blog on the aftermath I want to say.... hug your parents, loved ones, ppl who have influenced your life, take not one second for granted. Family is so important, family means so much! Don't put yourself in a position where you one day look back and wish you did things different. I can say for the most part I did my best ( not counting the ages of 15-18 b/c I was a total ass) , my parents did their best and when I look back at the past with them I see nothing but love and support. If you have children, its your chance to give them a love like my daddy gave me, unconditional, that they will learn and give others. Like the love we are given by our heavenly father. Its how I was raised, its the most powerful lesson I learned.... and I am so blessed to have been given such an amazing gift!

To everyone who has read this blog and shared my journey, I truly love and appreciate you! I hope that my trials and errors have helped or will help you one day. I hope that I can encourage you, and I want you to know if you should ever need a shoulder you have mine. If you ever want someone to just listen and say nothing, you have my ear. Thank you for being a part of this with me. It means more than you will ever know, more than I can ever show, but I hope to give when you need it too!!


Curtis Jamerson Richardson Jr.   09/07/1943- 09/07/2013
Virginia Thompson Richardson   10/29(30?)/44 - 06/20/2014

The Closure Process

So this coming Wednesday I will be leaving to head to Charleston to see my sweet sister and along the way stop to spend the night with my amazing Aunt Farfie (Martha). My goal is to start the closure process by scattering my parents ashes in the places they wanted. It will be the farthest I have travelled alone... well sort of alone, mom and dad will be with me in their respective boxes lol. Its bittersweet, I can't wait to see Martha and my sister who I haven't seen in a year, but sad b/c I know I am letting go of the pain of losing mom and dad so soon and so close together.

I went back and reread my blogs... wow... 3 years of sheer hell and sadness. I wonder how I got here without going nuts, but I didn't. I do in some ways feel stronger and more patient but forever changed. Part of me considered not going b/c I know I am going to have to let go, but it's time. June 20th is fast approaching, the year anniversary of mom's passing. I don't want to be home this day b/c she died here.  I will be with my sis this day and I will be in Folley beach somewhere scattering away. It will be the start of the 2015 ash tour lol.

Mom and daddy were loving people. Everyone who came into our home were instantly family. We never really had close friends... close friends were brothers and sisters. Pranks and jokes were a constant in our home and anyone that came over was game. We had fun. We went on trips and took ppl with us. Mom and daddy always made time to do special things with me and when we moved Denise in, they took time for her too. Which is why I want to share the beach scatter with her. They always called her their daughter, she is more of a sibling than I have ever known.

Looking back, I can't say I would have known what to do if Martha wasn't here with me for a week before mom passed. It was so great we named our patio the Martha Blackwell Memorial Porch lol. Her help and the laughter she brought I think was a big part of what got me through the following weeks before momma passed. She has a huge heart, and she like daddy loves without condition. She is my connection to daddy and my surrogate mom!

I will never know why these things happened like they did, I guess it's not up for me to know but really to be an example and grow from it. God, I miss them both so much. It's true, in some ways you will always need your momma, and I will never stop missing her. I will always need my daddy to talk sports with and make me laugh, to hold me when I cry and get jacked up when someone has done me wrong, man.... I couldn't be more blessed to have a dad like him!

But as they say, all good things come to an end, and now it is time to finally say goodbye and continue to move on as they would have me do. It's a different world, I will never stop thinking of them, I will never stop missing them. If they were here I know they would be proud of me and the wonderful things I have and will continue to accomplish. The greatest thing that some people have to wait for is that they are together. The selfish part of me wishes they were still here but in my heart I am truly happy that they are with each other even if they aren't with me. For 36 years I was the luckiest daughter on the planet, and for the next 52, I will still continue to be blessed from their love and guidance. I can only hope when I am 88 (b/c that is my foretold time, who knows) I will be as loved and cherished as they were and still are.

Mom and daddy, I think of you every day... I will never stop loving you, I will never stop thinking of you and everything you blessed me with, and until the end of my time you will still be a constant in my heart! Y'all were the best parents in the world to me and I am glad that you didn't have to wait too long to be together. I hope that I will continue to make you proud but until we meet again.... Forever in my heart! Let the tour begin!

I love you both always!

Keleigh (ps... thanks for the spelling of my name lol)

Undoing the things that need to be changed

Mom always said that she never felt like anything she ever did was good enough for her mom. Maybe this is why she always felt like no matter what her bank account it was her obligation to seem as if she was more, or had more. While some people may have never seen this, from my view point everything was keeping up with the Jones's. She spent so much time trying to fill a hole in her heart that money couldn't fill. Even if people saw her as great, and wealthy and powerful.... she never felt it. So she continued to put on airs that she was someone else... someone she thought her mother wanted her to be. She tried to fill the hole she had with the wrong things.

I remember growing up as a child telling my mom, you have a family that loves you... love is the most important thing. But, b/c it wasn't her mothers expectation, she wished for something different to define her. In this behavior, I learned from her in some ways that financial success and keeping up with the Jones's was the most important thing. Luckily daddy was there to counter balance and teach me the opposite, that love is the most important thing. Never-the-less.... somethings wore off.

After mom died and the dust had settled I was left with a feeling that I was never good enough for her, that getting divorced was a shame, not finishing college was a shame, not being what she wanted me to be....was a shame on her. Yet, so many ppl said she bragged on me... I wish she would have said those thing to me. It's funny because in my grandmothers last hours she told me things my mom wished she had said to her.

So in my life I want to correct these things. I want my daughter to know everyday that she is good enough, and that no matter what I love her and if she does things with heart and dignity I am proud. I have this stigma that I want gone and I don't fully think I can let go of the yoke my mother has me tied to until I do. So my first step was passing my real estate exam and becoming an agent... she said I couldn't do it... and I did. My next step is, I took a job...low stress, good people and way below the pay I am used to. I humbled myself and took it b/c I know that it will teach me a lesson that mom couldn't, happiness no matter what the dollar sign is. It was a hard choice but I made it wanting to make a step to undo the damage. 

I am not a dollar sign, I am not the check that goes into an account, I am my deeds, I am the love I give, I am the gift that can always give to help.... my worth is not in my bank account but in my deeds, and i want my kids to know this, I don't want them to feel that money is what makes us who we are.

Mom couldn't let go of that in death, She took that with her, daddy on the other hand didnt he took love with him and I want to be like that. When God calls me home I want to be the example my daddy was to me but, I still have some work to do. Mom wasn't a bad person, she was hurt deep down and couldn't repair that damage. It's hard, she was yoked to her mothers expectations until her last breath. I don't want that for me and I don't want that legacy left to my children. So.... here I go. I love you mom, I know you made your choices b/c that was what was comfortable, I don't fully blame you. But your choices aren't mine and in my healing I hope it will heal the pain you were given. You were good enough, I am good enough, I just wish you felt it, I want to feel it and I plan to feel it.

Its very hard to say Goodbye

Dear Daddy,

Its been 18 months since you left us. Some days I am ok and I can almost get through the day without thinking about you. But I still think about you everyday. I torture myself all the time and hold on for dear life to your memory and it scares me to think that I may forget what you sound like. I don't want to forget the comfort and love I felt in your hugs, and man I wish I could get another one. I watched all of the UT games this year but it wasn't the same without you to call. It actually kind of sucked. Sophie is getting ready to go to high school and I wish you were here to see it. She wants to play softball and you would be proud of her swing! She has a lot of potential to do well, you would eat it up like you did with me.

On occasion I dream about you, it's funny in my dreams now since mom passed you are always with her. That's a comfort for sure, I don't know if it's a way to communicate with me...they say it can be, but no matter its still a comfort. That and the two birds that seem to sit on the fence outside every time I am having a bad day missing ya'll.... its a male and female cardinal. Always together, perched side by side, looking at me. It's crazy how these 2 only hang out when I am missing you guys so deeply. I find myself looking for comfort however I can find it when I wish you were here.

We miss you so much, but I can't say anyone misses you more that me. You were my rock, my north star, my guide and I hope that where ever you are you will continue to guide me. It's time to start healing though, I can't continue to hang on to the pain and not live b/c I know that its not what you would have for me. I have to live my life for you and show my kids how to move on b/c they are having a hard time with it too. You were just such an awesome impactful person and it's hard to let something that wonderful go. But we have to. I will see you again one day and I know you will be the one to come get me when its time.

In the meantime, thank you so much for shaping me and the lessons you taught me. You truly showed me Jesus true expressions of love through acceptance and forgiveness. You thought you fell short but it's not true... you surpassed the mark! You empowered me as a person and that is a hard thing to be without. But you are that little voice in the back of my head pushing me on all the time, I wouldn't be the women I am without you. You are the greatest man I will ever know, you are my hero, you are the embodiment of how the Bible asks us to live and I pray I am half the person you were in life!!


I hope we continue to make you proud, I love you so much daddy... I miss you and when it is my time I know I will repeat the words you said before you told me you loved me for the last time.... I can't wait to see my daddy!! Meet me at the gate with your epic hugs when I am an old lady and its my time. Don't forget me b/c I could never forget you! You will always be my rock and I will always be your baby girl. Nothing will break our bond, not even death! Don't forget to visit me from time to time... hug me in my dreams, I will never stop needing those awesome hugs!!

I love you daddy!!

Forever your babycakes!

Keleigh

One last yearly milestone...

So.... tomorrow is my birthday, oh JOY! Insert sarcasm in there. Geeze the first without mom... the first without mom and daddy... it feels so lonely. I won't be alone, my husband who is super amaze balls, took all 3 of my kids to get a special gift for me last week, they are excited... I just can't get into it. I jam packed my day full of doctors appointments and things to keep myself from staying in bed all day, b/c if I didn't I know that is where I would be. The woman who labored and worked with no meds is gone, the man who couldn't remember which day it was b/c he had Alzheimer's so he sent me a card every week in January is gone. It sucks. I'm not an orphan yet I feel so orphaned.

Last year I knew it would be my last birthday with momma, I hoped it wouldn't be but in my gut I knew that was it. She did all the work to get me here so I wanted to do it up special for her. I had lee make her favorite dish, her favorite everything, I went and picked her up from the nursing home and we had the best birthday I ever had with my momma. She even said on the way back to Adams Place that she can't remember a better birthday she had spent with anyone. It was so awesome we stayed out so late .... well... we got locked out. Oh lord have mercy did we laugh, and laugh... for the longest at how I finally got momma in trouble! I never had such a funny memorable birthday! It was bitter sweet.

This year is bitter. At least mom could cushion the blow of losing daddy last year and the month being so barren of his calls and cards and love. This year it feels so empty, so hollow. I don't want to be without them... they made me... and they gave me so much. I don't want to take away the good intentions that my friends and family have in wanting to be there, it's for them as much as it is for me to give the comfort but this year I just want to hide from the world. But me... being a pusher... I have pushed myself to fill a schedule to get through the day. It's the same as I did for Christmas and TG, just fill the day full of everything to put the thought of what it really is in the back of my head... though it I know will be in the forefront.

I haven't posted much lately... it's been too hard, but I needed to get this out. I may not post much for a while after this. For now, I am still broken, sad, lonely in a crowd of friends and family, its hard. I still dream that I am taking care of mom and in some ways wish I was b/c at least I could hug her or talk to her... its so hard. Sometimes I am jealous of ppl who don't have these emotions when their loved ones die, they don't have to suffer through this pain, but then too I know, GOD... How lucky I am to have had such wonderful loving powerful parents who gave me my heart, my strength, my depth of emotion... a legacy to carry on and give to my babies. They just never knew how completely wonderful they were, how much I loved them, how much my heart aches for them, how blessed they made me. I am so sad b/c I was so blessed. I wish I had more time with them, but I wouldn't trade a second of what I did have.

So, mom... happy birthing day in heaven... thank you for making me strong and independent... I would have never gotten through being a single mom and keeping my home and everything without what you taught me. Daddy... God I miss you so bad every day!! You are my best friend.. every day I miss you, this month without your calls and cards has been rough. I know you are with me... I just wish I could hug you and hear you call me babycakes. You and momma taught me forgiveness, and true acceptance of people no matter who they are, what they believed, or where they came from. I know that your jobs where done and God brought you both home. I just wasn't ready... I suppose I never would have been.