I just can not explain how much I am dreading the holidays. The closer I get to Thursday the more low I feel, not that Thanksgiving was the biggest Richardson extravaganza of them all, but it was mom's day to be a cooking star. She always made this fantastic spread on TG and her boiled custard and stuffing was what I looked forward to the most. The last one I had with my parents was in 2011. I had friends over, mom had friends over there almost wasn't enough food and mom and dad both agreed it was the best one we ever had! The next year we knew daddy had his surgery coming up and mom and dad decided they wanted to have a quiet TG like they did in the past before kids came along. I was sick so it wasn't a huge deal but last years was sad. My first without Daddy and mom was to sick to come over so we brought it to her...she barely even ate.
Then comes Christmas... daddy's favorite. I admit last years was a disaster. I went through the motions until Christmas Day, mom was in the hospital, daddy was gone and I got out of bed long enough to watch the kids open their gifts and then back to bed I went until that evening I got up to bring mom her gift and visit with her. The last big Christmas we had with them also was in 2011. Mom went all out too. It was so nice, daddy and I tricked mom for the 10th year in a row into opening daddy's canoe (she hated that stuff and we loved to mess with her). This year there is no canoe, no mom , and no daddy. At least last year I knew my mom was still here. This year, ugh man I am just dreading it so bad. No calls, no visits... they are just gone.
Lastly I am dreading the whole month of January. My birthday is at the end of the month and daddy with early Alzheimer's knew it was in January but couldn't remember which day even when I reminded him. So he would send me a card once a week until the month was over so he made sure he got it. He always said I was so special to him he thought I should be able to celebrate all month. Last year was hard but mom was doing better and living in Murfreesboro. So I came to get her at the nursing home and took her back to my house where Lee cooked a big ole meal for her. I kept her out so late we got locked out of Adams Place. We laughed for weeks about me getting her in trouble and keeping her out past her curfew. She said of all the birthdays she had with me aside from the day she gave birth to me that one was the best. Her greatest gift was to spend it with me. This year there will be no cards once a week and no mom.... God it really just blows.
I have said since daddy got sick that taking care of dying parents almost causes PTSD... I still hold firm to that theory. There is no time limit even though I want to just forget all of this damn pain and sadness. I wish that by tomorrow I would be over it but it doesn't work like that, my hope is that year by year it will be less difficult. Until then it feels like I could explode from the inside out.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
A daily battle....
I heard a song today that touched my heart... here are the lyrics that struck me
'Cause she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
Do people grieving think about it like that? Being stronger than we know? I know so many people have told me I am stronger than I think. I don't know about that I just know that what I am going through is mine. I know people have gone through worse. I know ppl have suffered more than me.... but this is mine. I don't take away their pain, I'm not in a competition as to who has it worse, please don't take away my pain like its not as bad. For me it is bad. For me I feel like an orphan.
Almost everything reminds me of mom and dad... God I miss them. I am dreading the holidays and I think my kids are too. It's an abnormal situation that I know I am not the only one to go through but again its mine. So many times in the past few months I have wanted to talk to mom and she won't talk back.
It's strange that daddy made so many attempts after he passed to let me know he was ok. But mom has been so silent. A part of me has thought she was mad. Maybe I did something wrong. Chris and his wife sure seemed to think so, but I am just so lost some days and wish she would just let me know she is ok like daddy did. Then I got this email the other day from my friend Nicole that I grew up with about a dream she had of her mother who had passed not long before mine....
I saw my mother for the first time last night. We were in the bleachers at a ball game, she was many rows behind me and didn't see me. When I fought through the crowd to her, she fell from the bleachers like a trap door had opened under her. Then I was in a crowded street but she was very far in front of me, moving away from me. I told everyone how happy I was! She was alive! It had all been a mistake! They just shook their heads with pity in their eyes. She rounded a corner and I followed. She had turned to face me. I called her name and she looked at me as though I was a stranger. She did not know me. She turned and walked away. My surroundings changed to a void of enveloping blackness. I listened to the silence, which gradually became a faint heartbeat that seemed to penetrate all existence. I listened more closely and made out words whispered within the rhythm. The words being repeated were, "No Man. No Self. No Death."
Upon awakening I searched frantically for paper to write this dream down. The VERY FIRST place my hand went to was a box next to my bed. I looked inside and found a book. I had the thought that it was strange that I had a book in my home that I'd not read. I opened it to discover that it was hollow inside. There was where I discovered the aquamarine that I thought I had lost months earlier.
Before that dream my life was in shambles. When the jewel was "returned" I cried. Not regular crying. It was snot-running, wailing and laughing simultaneously hysterical if-someone-had-seen-the-white-padded-van-would've-been-called-crying. Then a realization came to me. The best way I can explain it is as "knowing without having learned". My mother's form is gone. Her role as mother is completed. She has graduated from this world of material things and now she is formless consciousness. How could she have known me in the state I was in? She never knew a defeated, beaten, miserable Nicole. I knew then that the sorrow I felt was for myself alone! She did not leave me. She transcended back to where we all come from. Her essence now lives in everything beautiful and natural. Jesus said,"Split open a piece of wood and I am there. Turn over a stone and I am there." This is true of my mom also. She is in every leaf, in every bird's song, in the very oxygen we breathe. Nothing that is really alive ever dies. It only changes form.
You are wrong about your mom being mad. How could one possibly feel anger in Heaven? It wouldn't be Heaven if that were possible. I think they go through an orientation upon arrival. Perhaps she's still learning the ropes there. Or maybe she is with you EVERY SECOND but you aren't ready or able to recognize her. Open your heart and stop trying to see with your eyes. Your mind will trick you, but your soul cannot deceive.
Nicole... you will never know how much you have helped me and opened my eyes...
http://youtu.be/WIm1GgfRz6M
'Cause she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
Do people grieving think about it like that? Being stronger than we know? I know so many people have told me I am stronger than I think. I don't know about that I just know that what I am going through is mine. I know people have gone through worse. I know ppl have suffered more than me.... but this is mine. I don't take away their pain, I'm not in a competition as to who has it worse, please don't take away my pain like its not as bad. For me it is bad. For me I feel like an orphan.
Almost everything reminds me of mom and dad... God I miss them. I am dreading the holidays and I think my kids are too. It's an abnormal situation that I know I am not the only one to go through but again its mine. So many times in the past few months I have wanted to talk to mom and she won't talk back.
It's strange that daddy made so many attempts after he passed to let me know he was ok. But mom has been so silent. A part of me has thought she was mad. Maybe I did something wrong. Chris and his wife sure seemed to think so, but I am just so lost some days and wish she would just let me know she is ok like daddy did. Then I got this email the other day from my friend Nicole that I grew up with about a dream she had of her mother who had passed not long before mine....
I saw my mother for the first time last night. We were in the bleachers at a ball game, she was many rows behind me and didn't see me. When I fought through the crowd to her, she fell from the bleachers like a trap door had opened under her. Then I was in a crowded street but she was very far in front of me, moving away from me. I told everyone how happy I was! She was alive! It had all been a mistake! They just shook their heads with pity in their eyes. She rounded a corner and I followed. She had turned to face me. I called her name and she looked at me as though I was a stranger. She did not know me. She turned and walked away. My surroundings changed to a void of enveloping blackness. I listened to the silence, which gradually became a faint heartbeat that seemed to penetrate all existence. I listened more closely and made out words whispered within the rhythm. The words being repeated were, "No Man. No Self. No Death."
Upon awakening I searched frantically for paper to write this dream down. The VERY FIRST place my hand went to was a box next to my bed. I looked inside and found a book. I had the thought that it was strange that I had a book in my home that I'd not read. I opened it to discover that it was hollow inside. There was where I discovered the aquamarine that I thought I had lost months earlier.
Before that dream my life was in shambles. When the jewel was "returned" I cried. Not regular crying. It was snot-running, wailing and laughing simultaneously hysterical if-someone-had-seen-the-white-padded-van-would've-been-called-crying. Then a realization came to me. The best way I can explain it is as "knowing without having learned". My mother's form is gone. Her role as mother is completed. She has graduated from this world of material things and now she is formless consciousness. How could she have known me in the state I was in? She never knew a defeated, beaten, miserable Nicole. I knew then that the sorrow I felt was for myself alone! She did not leave me. She transcended back to where we all come from. Her essence now lives in everything beautiful and natural. Jesus said,"Split open a piece of wood and I am there. Turn over a stone and I am there." This is true of my mom also. She is in every leaf, in every bird's song, in the very oxygen we breathe. Nothing that is really alive ever dies. It only changes form.
You are wrong about your mom being mad. How could one possibly feel anger in Heaven? It wouldn't be Heaven if that were possible. I think they go through an orientation upon arrival. Perhaps she's still learning the ropes there. Or maybe she is with you EVERY SECOND but you aren't ready or able to recognize her. Open your heart and stop trying to see with your eyes. Your mind will trick you, but your soul cannot deceive.
Nicole... you will never know how much you have helped me and opened my eyes...
http://youtu.be/WIm1GgfRz6M
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