Undoing the things that need to be changed

Mom always said that she never felt like anything she ever did was good enough for her mom. Maybe this is why she always felt like no matter what her bank account it was her obligation to seem as if she was more, or had more. While some people may have never seen this, from my view point everything was keeping up with the Jones's. She spent so much time trying to fill a hole in her heart that money couldn't fill. Even if people saw her as great, and wealthy and powerful.... she never felt it. So she continued to put on airs that she was someone else... someone she thought her mother wanted her to be. She tried to fill the hole she had with the wrong things.

I remember growing up as a child telling my mom, you have a family that loves you... love is the most important thing. But, b/c it wasn't her mothers expectation, she wished for something different to define her. In this behavior, I learned from her in some ways that financial success and keeping up with the Jones's was the most important thing. Luckily daddy was there to counter balance and teach me the opposite, that love is the most important thing. Never-the-less.... somethings wore off.

After mom died and the dust had settled I was left with a feeling that I was never good enough for her, that getting divorced was a shame, not finishing college was a shame, not being what she wanted me to be....was a shame on her. Yet, so many ppl said she bragged on me... I wish she would have said those thing to me. It's funny because in my grandmothers last hours she told me things my mom wished she had said to her.

So in my life I want to correct these things. I want my daughter to know everyday that she is good enough, and that no matter what I love her and if she does things with heart and dignity I am proud. I have this stigma that I want gone and I don't fully think I can let go of the yoke my mother has me tied to until I do. So my first step was passing my real estate exam and becoming an agent... she said I couldn't do it... and I did. My next step is, I took a job...low stress, good people and way below the pay I am used to. I humbled myself and took it b/c I know that it will teach me a lesson that mom couldn't, happiness no matter what the dollar sign is. It was a hard choice but I made it wanting to make a step to undo the damage. 

I am not a dollar sign, I am not the check that goes into an account, I am my deeds, I am the love I give, I am the gift that can always give to help.... my worth is not in my bank account but in my deeds, and i want my kids to know this, I don't want them to feel that money is what makes us who we are.

Mom couldn't let go of that in death, She took that with her, daddy on the other hand didnt he took love with him and I want to be like that. When God calls me home I want to be the example my daddy was to me but, I still have some work to do. Mom wasn't a bad person, she was hurt deep down and couldn't repair that damage. It's hard, she was yoked to her mothers expectations until her last breath. I don't want that for me and I don't want that legacy left to my children. So.... here I go. I love you mom, I know you made your choices b/c that was what was comfortable, I don't fully blame you. But your choices aren't mine and in my healing I hope it will heal the pain you were given. You were good enough, I am good enough, I just wish you felt it, I want to feel it and I plan to feel it.

Its very hard to say Goodbye

Dear Daddy,

Its been 18 months since you left us. Some days I am ok and I can almost get through the day without thinking about you. But I still think about you everyday. I torture myself all the time and hold on for dear life to your memory and it scares me to think that I may forget what you sound like. I don't want to forget the comfort and love I felt in your hugs, and man I wish I could get another one. I watched all of the UT games this year but it wasn't the same without you to call. It actually kind of sucked. Sophie is getting ready to go to high school and I wish you were here to see it. She wants to play softball and you would be proud of her swing! She has a lot of potential to do well, you would eat it up like you did with me.

On occasion I dream about you, it's funny in my dreams now since mom passed you are always with her. That's a comfort for sure, I don't know if it's a way to communicate with me...they say it can be, but no matter its still a comfort. That and the two birds that seem to sit on the fence outside every time I am having a bad day missing ya'll.... its a male and female cardinal. Always together, perched side by side, looking at me. It's crazy how these 2 only hang out when I am missing you guys so deeply. I find myself looking for comfort however I can find it when I wish you were here.

We miss you so much, but I can't say anyone misses you more that me. You were my rock, my north star, my guide and I hope that where ever you are you will continue to guide me. It's time to start healing though, I can't continue to hang on to the pain and not live b/c I know that its not what you would have for me. I have to live my life for you and show my kids how to move on b/c they are having a hard time with it too. You were just such an awesome impactful person and it's hard to let something that wonderful go. But we have to. I will see you again one day and I know you will be the one to come get me when its time.

In the meantime, thank you so much for shaping me and the lessons you taught me. You truly showed me Jesus true expressions of love through acceptance and forgiveness. You thought you fell short but it's not true... you surpassed the mark! You empowered me as a person and that is a hard thing to be without. But you are that little voice in the back of my head pushing me on all the time, I wouldn't be the women I am without you. You are the greatest man I will ever know, you are my hero, you are the embodiment of how the Bible asks us to live and I pray I am half the person you were in life!!


I hope we continue to make you proud, I love you so much daddy... I miss you and when it is my time I know I will repeat the words you said before you told me you loved me for the last time.... I can't wait to see my daddy!! Meet me at the gate with your epic hugs when I am an old lady and its my time. Don't forget me b/c I could never forget you! You will always be my rock and I will always be your baby girl. Nothing will break our bond, not even death! Don't forget to visit me from time to time... hug me in my dreams, I will never stop needing those awesome hugs!!

I love you daddy!!

Forever your babycakes!

Keleigh