Getting out of the Mud.... In God's Time

So for those of you who have known me for a long time know that I have never gone longer than just a couple of weeks without a job. I have been lucky like that but too, I have never left a job without another to go to. This was a discipline taught by my mom. When I quit my job in May to take care of mom, I took a giant leap of faith. I stressed over my choice but, in the end I knew that being with my mom in her final days was a blessing for both of us. The summer I was given with my children was a blessing.... being able to finally have the time to mourn my daddy and mom was a blessing.

I honestly at first was frustrated b/c I wanted to go back ASAP to have something that could keep my mind off of the last two years. If someone offered me something the week after mom passed... knowing me I would have taken it. Things however, didn't work out like that. Looking back at it now, I am glad... people are right when they say it's in God's time not mine. He totally knew what he was doing and knew the hurdles I would face this past summer. I would have not been able to totally exert myself in any job.

When I work I put my all into it. I give 110% b/c I want to do a good job. After all one isn't hired to do things "half assed" as my daddy would say. In my last job, daddy died 2 months after I was hired. I took 1 day off b/c his memorial was postponed until mom was in better health to go. I was worthless, sad, and could not concentrate for the life of me. All I could think about was how I missed my father so horribly. I still pushed on and thank goodness it was the easiest job I have ever had, if not it would have taken a toll on what I did as an employee. I wished everyday I had taken more time off and when Christmas rolled around and mom was in the hospital all I could do that day was lay in bed out of sadness and exhaustion. I felt more lost than I ever had.

When mom got moved to Murfreesboro things became easier b/c I could be with her after work every day. She knew I was unhappy with my job and pushed me to go back to school, to do something that made me happy... b/c I worked for the Hitler of all bosses...that's for a whole different blog lol. So in thinking about it I figured, I am great at sales, why not try out real estate. The draw back is I have never had an all commission job, frankly the thought of it terrifies me. I went ahead and started studying for the test, after all daddy always said I could sale an air conditioner to an Eskimo. I also decided to seek help and go to grief counselling... I can not express how much in just a few months Jason, my therapist, has helped me.

When I passed my RE course mom was at the point where she was moving in and weeks later going in to hospice and I was faced with a life altering choice. Here I am full circle. Four months later I have been hired and I am ready. Heck I am excited!!! My first interview with Lisa she walked in and hugged me knowing what I had been through. I already knew I was a candidate for a job with a group of compassionate awesome people... I totally fit in with that. When I went back in for our second talk Wednesday and was offered the job and met the group of folks I would be working with, for the first time in two years I felt like I was moving forward! I am so stoked.

While no I will not be in Real Estate Sales, I will still be working in the field and I am glad I took my parents advice and broadened my knowledge. Seems in death they still are leading me. That is a comfort.

For the past two months I have felt as if I am stuck in mud and now I feel like I am shifting down and moving on. I so wished yet again I could call mom and dad. They would be thrilled, especially mom knowing several of the people I will be working for and with. She thought so highly of these people and in a way, it is her answer to my question.... what am I going to do? While I could have stayed at home for eternity... I am a worker, I like to have several things going at once... like momma. If it wasn't for her this opportunity probably would not have presented it's self to me. So I owe it to her! She gave me time to heal, time with my children, and a future. Crazy how things work out!

I miss her. I wish I could share this with her, although I know she knows. No matter what transpires between you and your mother.... you always need your momma. I will always need mine, I will always be thankful for the wonderful gifts she gave that make the rough stuff less important.

One year down.... now where do I go

A year ago today my precious daddy died. On his birthday of all days.... isn't it crazy how these things happen? I really never had the opportunity to grieve for him until June when my mother passed away.... again, isn't it crazy how things happen. God... where do I start? I guess I just can't put into words how much I miss my daddy... sometimes its so much I can't breath. I know with time it will get better. I know in this next year the pain will subside some. Today, however I feel like I am feeling his loss all over again. My family I was born to is gone.

I know you all know I have a brother, but with him threatening to sue me b/c he feels I abused my position of "power of attorney" and has slandered me to friends and his own son... I feel instead of carrying each other through this.... in his pain and loss he has chose to blame me. I guess he can use his guilt to blame me all he wants, it would break mom and dads heart, I am glad they aren't here to see it. I did all I could for our relationship. Yes I voiced online my anger b/c he wouldn't help, instead he turned his son against me saying I took them from him... who else would have given them the care I quit my job to give? Him? Well why didn't he call to work something out with me? I would have made him a part of it as much as he wanted to be but his silence was what I took as not being there to help. I guess some people can't handle it. It's not something I really wanted to handle but I did... I gave up everything for my mom and dad b/c at one point they gave up everything to be parents.

It's sad, instead of taking responsibility for his role in things he chose to make me look like some evil person that gave him no choice. We all have a choice, but not all of us have the strength or will to act. I acted... I acted for my parents b/c they many times acted for me. When I truly needed them... they were always there. Especially daddy. He was my knight in shining armour! He was my backbone and the voice in my head that reminded me I was worth all the happiness I could attain. Daddy was and will always be my hero!!!

I am thankful though that my life wasn't the only one touched by him. He loved everyone he knew and would have fought tooth and nail for them. He made daughters and sons of my closest friends and their family became ours. Denise Vanoy, you are my sister... it doesn't matter who gave birth to us... and to my mom and dad you were a daughter... I don't know what I would do without you. I would fight for you like my daddy fought for the ones he loved b/c no matter our fights and times we went without speaking.... it was always always daddy who in his own way brought us together, he knew that we needed eachother. You are more a sibling to me by supporting me and sticking by my side.... Daddy loved you, mom loved you... you were also theirs. I am so glad through daddy's sickness he brought us back together. In his death I find comfort in the fact that he brought us back together when we were being stupid!

Every day I wish for one more hug... Daddy seriously gave the best hugs. When he pulled you in, you could feel that love!! It made the problems you were going through just melt away. I am attaching the eulogy I wrote for him so ppl who were not able to come to his memorial can read what he was to me. While the sky has the brightest star now, my heart has a hole that can never be filled. I will miss him every single day until we can be together again... but as I promised I will live for him... I will make memories in his name and I will honor and share with anyone who crosses my path the love he gave me and gave to the people who crossed his. What an AMAZING man... he was the embodiment of Jesus love. God I love you so much daddy... I miss you so so much there are no words to describe this pain, this joy you gave, and this legacy you left. Never leave my side... always remind me in some way you can still see and hear me. Life is sometimes very dull without you. I love you daddy.... and it will still grow even though you are gone. Thank you... thank you for everything you gave me. My daddy, the most godly man I have ever known!
His Eulogy
"One of Daddy's favorite songs was the living years by Mike and the Mechanics. He felt like there were so

many things he should have told his father before he passed and never did. So he spent the rest of his

life making sure everyone always knew what was on his heart. His family, friends, even people he didn’t

know but his heart went out to them in their time of sorrow or need. The lyrics, “say it loud say it clear

we listen as well as we hear” was what drove him to love without bounds, judgment, or prejudice in

the way Jesus told us to love. I can safely say that everyone who knew him loved him. He had a way to

make people laugh when they may have been too sad to, he wanted to ease their pain and always gave

the best hugs on the planet. You could feel his love in every hug, like he was sent from heaven...and

he was. His example as a friend, mentor, husband, and father is part of what made me who I am and

brought me closer to God.

Growing up some of the best times we had were watching sports and I gained a love for them through

him. He took the time to explain how football and baseball were played and to some people it might

not mean very much but to me it meant the world and showed how much he cared. He wanted to share

the things he loved with the people he loved the most. He loved to joke and play jokes, he once got

me in the middle of a swinging bridge in Rock City and he at the other end jumped on it making the

whole thing ripple and I was terrified! He was rolled over laughing and while I didn’t think it was funny

then thinking of it now does make me laugh. He also acted like he got stuck in the fat man squeeze

and everyone walking down it was cracking up! He would make a point to scare my friends at slumber

parties and even though we knew it would happen he got us every time! Daddy could make up songs

that made no sense in under a minute but they were always great. He taught me how to dance on his

feet to the song “my girl” and how to dance with a broom or vacuum when I cleaned. He would say if

we are going to have to clean we may as well have fun doing it....and I still do from time to time, dance

with a broom or use a pot scrubber as a microphone. We always loved going grocery shopping and

using fake horrible British accents the whole time we were in the store all b/c we saw fig newtons,

or going to the Hot Dog house and getting dinner and one extra egg custard pie to split then hide the

evidence on the way home. He made the best crepes every Christmas morning and loved to play Santa

and watch us open our gifts. He got more joy out of watching us then opening his own.

I knew as long as I had daddy by my side I was unstoppable, I knew he would protect me when I needed

it and gave me the tools to stand up for myself when he couldn’t be there. He was never too tough to

tell me how much he loved me or how proud he was of my accomplishments, even though you could

always see it in his eyes. Daddy always made me feel like I am important and I have a voice.

He always told me it's okay to be silly and to always be who I am not what someone wanted

me to be b/c who I am is how God made me.  He has been one of my biggest supports even

if he didn't agree with why he was supporting me, maybe he's not the perfect dad but he has

been perfect for me! Even through his suffering he still laughed and gave the best hugs. He still

encouraged me and loved me no less. I wish I could give everyone the gift of knowing him as I

know him.

Our relationship was hard at times but no matter what I knew daddy would be there if I needed

him, I felt strong and courageous because daddy would catch me if I fell. He took part in what I

did at school and held on as I did through it all. I wouldn't be the strong woman I am if my dad

didn't give me what I needed to get here. No matter what daddy has always hugged me and told

me how proud he is of me and encouraged me when I am at my worst, I know how deeply my

daddy loves me and it is a love that expects nothing in return. He is more of a man and greater

of a daddy for being able to be affectionate and show his emotions than a stoic father. Even

though I wish I had more time and a million more “one more time daddy” I am so lucky and so

blessed to have had someone love me so much and believe in me as much as he did.

If there is anything at all we could take away from our time with him on this earth is to continue

his example of unconditional, self-sacrificing love, the example that he learned from Jesus and

to pay forward the love he showed to us. How awesome would it be if we could touch the heart

of just one person the way he touched ours and that person carried it on, it didn’t start with my

dad but it shouldn’t end with him either. It won’t end with me, but I challenge everyone to go out

today and do the same!