Religion is Failing Its People

This morning my daughter came home from church and said, "Mom I really wish you were in church this morning, they talked about the importance of attendance". A part of me  is deeply ashamed that my 17 year old daughter will drag herself out of bed on Sunday morning and for me, it's a battle to consider going. It is a day laced with guilt, reasoning, excuses, and hurt. My hurt and sorrow in my reasons and excuses is how organized religion has and is failing me and those around me. I wasn't raised with this view point, though in my desperate need for support it has been a neon sign in my face.

I was raised Church of Christ in what we called a mission state. There are very few Churches of Christ in Georgia so Sundays were typically 30 min or an hour drive to worship service. I was raised in a great church with fun people and we even had Halloween parties, (I know we were heathens) every year in the gathering rooms. I enjoyed the early years of my church upbringing, although the church has been demolished,I can close my eyes and walk the halls and winding staircases to my favorite places like I was just there. I loved walking in and seeing "shorty" a 6'7 older man who always had candy in his pocket for me and a hug. I grew up with girls who understood being picked on b/c we weren't Baptist like everyone else. We were a team and we had wonderful fellowship for a while. 

It was a church that had many preachers pass through the doors. At some point, they stopped passing through, and the church disbanded. We eventually moved to Tennessee where you could spit and hit a Church of Christ. I was amazed at how they were on every corner. It seemed the fellowship was different, and I never fit in after the day I argued with my Sunday school teacher. Little did I know that was the beginning of the road to being an outcast.

I immersed myself into the youth group at my church, converted my boyfriend, did as I was told and one simple question marked me. The mark has stayed with me and I continue to question what feels wrong when Gods word is being used to hurt people. My teacher exclaimed that dancing was a sin, caused people to sin and would send us to hell. I simply asked, "All dancing? What about ballette, or clogging? " I didn't understand how these out of a few would lead to sin. Challenging the way she was dressed next didn't help my inquiry as I pointed out that showing one's cleavage in a dress could also lead to sinful thoughts, though modesty is subjective it seemed. I stopped going to Sunday school not long after. 

It lead me to want to understand why we thought as we did and so I started my path of religious studies. In a grand summary the different religions struck me as being ideologies enacted by those not happy or in disagreement with what their practitioners were teaching. For example, Henry the 8th started the Church of England so he could divorce his first wife. It was little to do with God and more to do with his lustfulness and vanity. So could it be said that those still worshipping being brought up in such a doctrine are also buying in and supporting this behavior? From there on learning how denominations have severed ties with their core belief and started different factions and what their new beliefs became the more I supported what I was raised in. Even though I completely disagreed with the arguments of the past, I didn't see a need to judge or form my own church. I was also preparing for a deeper understanding of my own faith.

When I was pregnant with my daughter my husband at the time and I became members of a church that would ultimately help me find who I am. I had never felt more welcomed anywhere and still to this day never heard sermons that shook me to the depths of my heart. Being 22 and 5 months pregnant I was scared of the mom I would be as I felt I barely knew myself. I was married to an emotionally abusive man and felt unloved hoping this miracle in my belly would fill that void. Then came the Sunday sermon that changed everything.

Sitting in the pew I was excited the lesson would be on parental love. God's parental love. Without recanting the sermon, the gist was, " look at your child, or mothers fixing to bare a child, think of the love for this unborn baby...... " After a brief moment of silence the words came out that will forever ring in my ears, " How much do you love your child? Now imagine, God loves you infinitely more, there is no number no condition, its so great a love, we will never comprehend... so how could we not love ourselves? How can we not value our own heart and mind, how can we not love unconditionally and forgive?" Those words burned on to my heart and my view of God and others would never be the same. 

A few years down the road after having my son and going through a divorce I met my now husband. He showed me how religious piety had pushed him away from knowing God. It saddened me to think that he didn't have the same words etched on his heart. I could understand why he felt the way he did about himself and life b/c he didn't know how much he was truly loved. Without it, I would have been in the same boat, being cast aside by fellow christians who also didn't understand this type of agape love. Again religion was failing its people. It was the start of it failing me.

I moved away from my amazing church in 2012 when I married my husband. I was eager to find a church and hopefully get him involved at some point in time. I was unprepared for what was to come, with such things, one is never really prepared. In my naivety I figured a similar church would have a similar message with as much support. I wanted to start a ladies group for divorced single moms and reach out to those lost with little hope left. God had other plans. It wasn't long before my parents fell ill and ultimately just months apart passed away. 

Through taking care of them in their illnesses I would pray that I would hear a message in church those Sundays that would be uplifting and carry me through another week. What I kept hearing was how we members needed to budget to tithe more. I learned that supporting the growth of said church to bring in more followers was more important than having a cushion for emergencies. I learned when I reached out for help and prayers, no one answered. The more I tried to involve myself hoping they would put that effort into a member, the more I was let down and discouraged. Discouragement is the beginning of the worst that can become of a Christian and religion was failing me.

I was kicked out of a Wednesday night bible class, then completely judged b/c I called out a group of members meeting to figure out how to "rid our city of pagans" . That was my mic drop moment to which in a nutshell said no one was following the new testament law that Jesus asked of us to teach and spread. I felt shame for them and pity that they did not know God's love, b/c you know what... he loves the pagans too. When I announced that they had been too busy asking for money they didn't need and riding the world of those different, they failed their members in need of support, and drove out part of their flock. My words were water on a rock and I was heart sick.

I decided not to give up on going to church, so I tried on another congregation. They were so good to my mom while she was sick, bringing her the lord's supper on Sundays and having fellowship. I thought surely this would be the place for me. Maybe my mind wasn't as open as it had been, there was a lot on it, but again I was let down, and religion was failing me. I was chastised by the church secretary in front of the entire balcony b/c I wasn't filling out attendance cards. I had never been so embarrassed at church... and I have farted in the quietest of times after prayers, this was worse. It was addressed to me as a shameful abhorrent transgression. Stupid silly ole me, I came to church, I worshipped, I tithed.... I failed. Those damn attendance cards. 

I for the most part ceased to attend that church not long after. I started to realize that God's word was in my heart and my actions, not inside of a building and its people. I know some will see this as total heresy. I wouldn't try to make one see something they can not, but when do we stop to work on what is truly killing christianity, it's people. The message is being lost, and religion is failing us all. We are using articles of faith as a tool supporting an agenda to make people complicite to an ideology that has very little to do with what God would have of us. Jesus travelled and brought his word to the people, he is the example we are instructed to follow. I have found growing older that when I hike, I feel his presence and love more so than sitting with a group of people that have no intention getting to know me. I see God's love in my son when he gives a bag of necessities to a desperate cold homeless man and in the eyes of that man when his faith that has been chipped away is being replenished. 

I see religion in actions, I see love in how we tithe not ripping a check from my checkbook and passing a cold hungry man on the side of the road. I see Jesus in how we love others, and that love creating a curiosity that wants to know more about this man and his love. If God loves us more than we can comprehend the love for our children, family, bestfriend, how can we continue to ignore such an emotion only to replace it with what we are comfortable with. It's scary to love someone or something different that we don't understand. It is hard to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, but it never stopped Jesus, so it shouldn't stop us. 

I leave you the reader with this, I may not know you, but I know in ways I am not aware of you have suffered, know you are not alone and I love you, as God also loves you. I love you if you are gay, straight, black, white, mexican, asian, Catholic or Protestant, I love you though you may hate me, hate those I love, hate yourself... you are still much loved. We can not fail each other in love and forbearance. We can't continue to look beyond those who make us uncomfortable, but become uncomfortable in order to understand how to help. Religion was not designed to fail its people.

" Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." John 15:12: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Then End of Understanding

"Grief is like living two lives. One is where you 'pretend' everything is alright, and the other is when you are  silently screaming in pain." Not only is this an accurate description of grief, it also sums up my relationship with my mom. With both it has been a struggle to move on and I have wondered, will I move on and how? If you have things left unsaid it makes the process a million more times difficult. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of the one you loved but the realization that it ended is what it was, there is no more chances to change it.... it's over. Then comes the anger. I will be honest, it is roller coaster of ups and downs, and there is no peace on the path of anger.

Since mom passed in June of 2014 I have battled with my guilt that we never had the relationship I wanted and the anger that followed behind. I have posted several things that I am sure would be shocking to those outside looking in. Things really are never as they seem. When my mom died I was left with a hole in my heart that I would never be good enough for her. I wasn't the person she wanted me to be. In her expectations that I failed, I learned to use the same expectations for everyone else in my life. Who then would break the pattern as I see my daughter doing the same? A few months ago I decided that it would be me, I am ending this heart breaking chain of behavior that left my mother feeling exactly as I did when her mother passed away. I felt not good enough, unworthy, locked in a constant competition with no one but myself. It's been like that for me since June 20th 2014. 

Pretty crappy right? On top of missing her so deeply, wanting to talk to her, wanting to fix it, wanting to hear the things I never would that might have filled that hole in my heart and hers, I wanted her to know it was ok to love me. She was so hurt by her mother it was hard for her to open up overlook the trepidation of letting me in. It's taken awhile but I get it, once I understood it was a flood of sorrow for her and less disappointment in myself. It was too late for her to know I can fathom her anxieties, but in that I can heal and not repeat that pattern. 

A few weeks ago, we were in the Caribbean and while the kids and Lee swam around in the pool at our Villa, I sat outside of my bedroom facing the rolling hills and watched the sunset. I started thinking about how fortunate I am to be there and what a blessing it is to be able to share it with my kids. That led into thinking about vacations I had as a child. I thought about how bad I miss daddy and how perfect our relationship was. I wondered if he can still see me, does he often swing by for a visit? Then I thought while I was alone and it was quiet and peaceful, I gotta keep truckin. Not that I ever stopped, but in some ways emotionally I did stop growing. I know without a shadow of a doubt my momma loved me deeply. At the end of the day that's all that matters. I can't stay yoked to the things that I couldn't change. It's done. It's over. There is no way to go back now, so I will move forward. 

In moving forward I have to hold on to all the good she gave me in my life. I have to let go of the anger that I wanted her to be there for me, like she was for everyone else. That's selfish though isn't it. What would have happened to the ones she helped had she not been there? She may have saved some people. If I had demanded her time she would not have been able to do the work she did, it was the start of a good example that hopefully I can be to my children.... just maybe sprinkle in some balance. 

I don't think I will ever understand why this happened the way it did. You could be reading this thinking, "My God she is such a spoiled brat at least she had what she did". I know what I had, that is what makes losing it so horrible. One might think,"Is she not over this yet?" Grief has no limits, no time, and no understanding. It is looking at a picture of my parents and thinking, "Man I need to call them its been a while since we talked", then realizing its been a collective 3 almost 4 years and that line is permanently disconnected. I leave you with this quote,

 “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

So from behind the blanket, bare with those who grieve. Be there with them even though you may not understand, b/c they will not ask. There is so much complexity and loneliness in trudging through loss day by day. Just know you are never alone! 

..... Moving on

It has been such an eye opening week in St. Simons. Let me start by saying, my Aunt Anne is one of the most gracious kind loving women I have known in my life and I know daddy would be so happy we left the bulk of his ashes here in the ocean, near her. In the week we have been here she has gone out of her way to make sure we are having a good time, taken care of, and fed at the best places! She and Uncle Roy are just absolutely amazing people!! Daddy loved her so... he wanted the remainder of his ashes to be left here, he was with us when we left him here and I could just feel him and his daddy on the beach that day.... and she made it special.

A few months ago I knew it was time to start letting go; and in moving on, my parents had a plan and told me when it was time stick to the plan. So, I did.... I went from town to beach to river to town to scatter their ashes. I even at one point broke down, swallowed my pride and contacted their adopted son to ask if he wanted some of their ashes, to which I never got a response. Oh well.... I tried, but continued on to do as they asked me to. At the end of the road I figured out why they wanted me to go to such lengths. Revisiting all of the places we frequented in my childhood I replaced the pain of losing them with the love they spent 35 years instilling in me. I was reminded of the awesome childhood I was provided and they were in spirit by my side every town, to beach, to river, to town..... scattering their ashes.

I miss my daddy and I will continue to miss him every day until the lord calls me home. He was my most dearest and best of friends. My therapist, and protector. He was my north star and I will continue my life in his stead giving everyone who crosses my path the love and example he made for me. I miss the feisty fierce red headed hurricane that was my mom. I hope that I will make her proud even though I won't hear her say it until I am called home when I am super old. She taught me to be independant and to take care of myself. I couldn't have been a single mom without that.

Like my Aunt Anne said today as I scattered the last of daddy...." now it is time to make new memories ". She is right! It's time to let go of what was and embrace what is to come. In that I will carry the wonderful valuable pieces of immortality my mom and daddy taught me. Some of it I will tweek and make my own..... some of it I wouldn't change for the world.

As I close my blog on the aftermath I want to say.... hug your parents, loved ones, ppl who have influenced your life, take not one second for granted. Family is so important, family means so much! Don't put yourself in a position where you one day look back and wish you did things different. I can say for the most part I did my best ( not counting the ages of 15-18 b/c I was a total ass) , my parents did their best and when I look back at the past with them I see nothing but love and support. If you have children, its your chance to give them a love like my daddy gave me, unconditional, that they will learn and give others. Like the love we are given by our heavenly father. Its how I was raised, its the most powerful lesson I learned.... and I am so blessed to have been given such an amazing gift!

To everyone who has read this blog and shared my journey, I truly love and appreciate you! I hope that my trials and errors have helped or will help you one day. I hope that I can encourage you, and I want you to know if you should ever need a shoulder you have mine. If you ever want someone to just listen and say nothing, you have my ear. Thank you for being a part of this with me. It means more than you will ever know, more than I can ever show, but I hope to give when you need it too!!


Curtis Jamerson Richardson Jr.   09/07/1943- 09/07/2013
Virginia Thompson Richardson   10/29(30?)/44 - 06/20/2014

The Closure Process

So this coming Wednesday I will be leaving to head to Charleston to see my sweet sister and along the way stop to spend the night with my amazing Aunt Farfie (Martha). My goal is to start the closure process by scattering my parents ashes in the places they wanted. It will be the farthest I have travelled alone... well sort of alone, mom and dad will be with me in their respective boxes lol. Its bittersweet, I can't wait to see Martha and my sister who I haven't seen in a year, but sad b/c I know I am letting go of the pain of losing mom and dad so soon and so close together.

I went back and reread my blogs... wow... 3 years of sheer hell and sadness. I wonder how I got here without going nuts, but I didn't. I do in some ways feel stronger and more patient but forever changed. Part of me considered not going b/c I know I am going to have to let go, but it's time. June 20th is fast approaching, the year anniversary of mom's passing. I don't want to be home this day b/c she died here.  I will be with my sis this day and I will be in Folley beach somewhere scattering away. It will be the start of the 2015 ash tour lol.

Mom and daddy were loving people. Everyone who came into our home were instantly family. We never really had close friends... close friends were brothers and sisters. Pranks and jokes were a constant in our home and anyone that came over was game. We had fun. We went on trips and took ppl with us. Mom and daddy always made time to do special things with me and when we moved Denise in, they took time for her too. Which is why I want to share the beach scatter with her. They always called her their daughter, she is more of a sibling than I have ever known.

Looking back, I can't say I would have known what to do if Martha wasn't here with me for a week before mom passed. It was so great we named our patio the Martha Blackwell Memorial Porch lol. Her help and the laughter she brought I think was a big part of what got me through the following weeks before momma passed. She has a huge heart, and she like daddy loves without condition. She is my connection to daddy and my surrogate mom!

I will never know why these things happened like they did, I guess it's not up for me to know but really to be an example and grow from it. God, I miss them both so much. It's true, in some ways you will always need your momma, and I will never stop missing her. I will always need my daddy to talk sports with and make me laugh, to hold me when I cry and get jacked up when someone has done me wrong, man.... I couldn't be more blessed to have a dad like him!

But as they say, all good things come to an end, and now it is time to finally say goodbye and continue to move on as they would have me do. It's a different world, I will never stop thinking of them, I will never stop missing them. If they were here I know they would be proud of me and the wonderful things I have and will continue to accomplish. The greatest thing that some people have to wait for is that they are together. The selfish part of me wishes they were still here but in my heart I am truly happy that they are with each other even if they aren't with me. For 36 years I was the luckiest daughter on the planet, and for the next 52, I will still continue to be blessed from their love and guidance. I can only hope when I am 88 (b/c that is my foretold time, who knows) I will be as loved and cherished as they were and still are.

Mom and daddy, I think of you every day... I will never stop loving you, I will never stop thinking of you and everything you blessed me with, and until the end of my time you will still be a constant in my heart! Y'all were the best parents in the world to me and I am glad that you didn't have to wait too long to be together. I hope that I will continue to make you proud but until we meet again.... Forever in my heart! Let the tour begin!

I love you both always!

Keleigh (ps... thanks for the spelling of my name lol)

Undoing the things that need to be changed

Mom always said that she never felt like anything she ever did was good enough for her mom. Maybe this is why she always felt like no matter what her bank account it was her obligation to seem as if she was more, or had more. While some people may have never seen this, from my view point everything was keeping up with the Jones's. She spent so much time trying to fill a hole in her heart that money couldn't fill. Even if people saw her as great, and wealthy and powerful.... she never felt it. So she continued to put on airs that she was someone else... someone she thought her mother wanted her to be. She tried to fill the hole she had with the wrong things.

I remember growing up as a child telling my mom, you have a family that loves you... love is the most important thing. But, b/c it wasn't her mothers expectation, she wished for something different to define her. In this behavior, I learned from her in some ways that financial success and keeping up with the Jones's was the most important thing. Luckily daddy was there to counter balance and teach me the opposite, that love is the most important thing. Never-the-less.... somethings wore off.

After mom died and the dust had settled I was left with a feeling that I was never good enough for her, that getting divorced was a shame, not finishing college was a shame, not being what she wanted me to be....was a shame on her. Yet, so many ppl said she bragged on me... I wish she would have said those thing to me. It's funny because in my grandmothers last hours she told me things my mom wished she had said to her.

So in my life I want to correct these things. I want my daughter to know everyday that she is good enough, and that no matter what I love her and if she does things with heart and dignity I am proud. I have this stigma that I want gone and I don't fully think I can let go of the yoke my mother has me tied to until I do. So my first step was passing my real estate exam and becoming an agent... she said I couldn't do it... and I did. My next step is, I took a job...low stress, good people and way below the pay I am used to. I humbled myself and took it b/c I know that it will teach me a lesson that mom couldn't, happiness no matter what the dollar sign is. It was a hard choice but I made it wanting to make a step to undo the damage. 

I am not a dollar sign, I am not the check that goes into an account, I am my deeds, I am the love I give, I am the gift that can always give to help.... my worth is not in my bank account but in my deeds, and i want my kids to know this, I don't want them to feel that money is what makes us who we are.

Mom couldn't let go of that in death, She took that with her, daddy on the other hand didnt he took love with him and I want to be like that. When God calls me home I want to be the example my daddy was to me but, I still have some work to do. Mom wasn't a bad person, she was hurt deep down and couldn't repair that damage. It's hard, she was yoked to her mothers expectations until her last breath. I don't want that for me and I don't want that legacy left to my children. So.... here I go. I love you mom, I know you made your choices b/c that was what was comfortable, I don't fully blame you. But your choices aren't mine and in my healing I hope it will heal the pain you were given. You were good enough, I am good enough, I just wish you felt it, I want to feel it and I plan to feel it.

Its very hard to say Goodbye

Dear Daddy,

Its been 18 months since you left us. Some days I am ok and I can almost get through the day without thinking about you. But I still think about you everyday. I torture myself all the time and hold on for dear life to your memory and it scares me to think that I may forget what you sound like. I don't want to forget the comfort and love I felt in your hugs, and man I wish I could get another one. I watched all of the UT games this year but it wasn't the same without you to call. It actually kind of sucked. Sophie is getting ready to go to high school and I wish you were here to see it. She wants to play softball and you would be proud of her swing! She has a lot of potential to do well, you would eat it up like you did with me.

On occasion I dream about you, it's funny in my dreams now since mom passed you are always with her. That's a comfort for sure, I don't know if it's a way to communicate with me...they say it can be, but no matter its still a comfort. That and the two birds that seem to sit on the fence outside every time I am having a bad day missing ya'll.... its a male and female cardinal. Always together, perched side by side, looking at me. It's crazy how these 2 only hang out when I am missing you guys so deeply. I find myself looking for comfort however I can find it when I wish you were here.

We miss you so much, but I can't say anyone misses you more that me. You were my rock, my north star, my guide and I hope that where ever you are you will continue to guide me. It's time to start healing though, I can't continue to hang on to the pain and not live b/c I know that its not what you would have for me. I have to live my life for you and show my kids how to move on b/c they are having a hard time with it too. You were just such an awesome impactful person and it's hard to let something that wonderful go. But we have to. I will see you again one day and I know you will be the one to come get me when its time.

In the meantime, thank you so much for shaping me and the lessons you taught me. You truly showed me Jesus true expressions of love through acceptance and forgiveness. You thought you fell short but it's not true... you surpassed the mark! You empowered me as a person and that is a hard thing to be without. But you are that little voice in the back of my head pushing me on all the time, I wouldn't be the women I am without you. You are the greatest man I will ever know, you are my hero, you are the embodiment of how the Bible asks us to live and I pray I am half the person you were in life!!


I hope we continue to make you proud, I love you so much daddy... I miss you and when it is my time I know I will repeat the words you said before you told me you loved me for the last time.... I can't wait to see my daddy!! Meet me at the gate with your epic hugs when I am an old lady and its my time. Don't forget me b/c I could never forget you! You will always be my rock and I will always be your baby girl. Nothing will break our bond, not even death! Don't forget to visit me from time to time... hug me in my dreams, I will never stop needing those awesome hugs!!

I love you daddy!!

Forever your babycakes!

Keleigh

One last yearly milestone...

So.... tomorrow is my birthday, oh JOY! Insert sarcasm in there. Geeze the first without mom... the first without mom and daddy... it feels so lonely. I won't be alone, my husband who is super amaze balls, took all 3 of my kids to get a special gift for me last week, they are excited... I just can't get into it. I jam packed my day full of doctors appointments and things to keep myself from staying in bed all day, b/c if I didn't I know that is where I would be. The woman who labored and worked with no meds is gone, the man who couldn't remember which day it was b/c he had Alzheimer's so he sent me a card every week in January is gone. It sucks. I'm not an orphan yet I feel so orphaned.

Last year I knew it would be my last birthday with momma, I hoped it wouldn't be but in my gut I knew that was it. She did all the work to get me here so I wanted to do it up special for her. I had lee make her favorite dish, her favorite everything, I went and picked her up from the nursing home and we had the best birthday I ever had with my momma. She even said on the way back to Adams Place that she can't remember a better birthday she had spent with anyone. It was so awesome we stayed out so late .... well... we got locked out. Oh lord have mercy did we laugh, and laugh... for the longest at how I finally got momma in trouble! I never had such a funny memorable birthday! It was bitter sweet.

This year is bitter. At least mom could cushion the blow of losing daddy last year and the month being so barren of his calls and cards and love. This year it feels so empty, so hollow. I don't want to be without them... they made me... and they gave me so much. I don't want to take away the good intentions that my friends and family have in wanting to be there, it's for them as much as it is for me to give the comfort but this year I just want to hide from the world. But me... being a pusher... I have pushed myself to fill a schedule to get through the day. It's the same as I did for Christmas and TG, just fill the day full of everything to put the thought of what it really is in the back of my head... though it I know will be in the forefront.

I haven't posted much lately... it's been too hard, but I needed to get this out. I may not post much for a while after this. For now, I am still broken, sad, lonely in a crowd of friends and family, its hard. I still dream that I am taking care of mom and in some ways wish I was b/c at least I could hug her or talk to her... its so hard. Sometimes I am jealous of ppl who don't have these emotions when their loved ones die, they don't have to suffer through this pain, but then too I know, GOD... How lucky I am to have had such wonderful loving powerful parents who gave me my heart, my strength, my depth of emotion... a legacy to carry on and give to my babies. They just never knew how completely wonderful they were, how much I loved them, how much my heart aches for them, how blessed they made me. I am so sad b/c I was so blessed. I wish I had more time with them, but I wouldn't trade a second of what I did have.

So, mom... happy birthing day in heaven... thank you for making me strong and independent... I would have never gotten through being a single mom and keeping my home and everything without what you taught me. Daddy... God I miss you so bad every day!! You are my best friend.. every day I miss you, this month without your calls and cards has been rough. I know you are with me... I just wish I could hug you and hear you call me babycakes. You and momma taught me forgiveness, and true acceptance of people no matter who they are, what they believed, or where they came from. I know that your jobs where done and God brought you both home. I just wasn't ready... I suppose I never would have been.