I was raised Church of Christ in what we called a mission state. There are very few Churches of Christ in Georgia so Sundays were typically 30 min or an hour drive to worship service. I was raised in a great church with fun people and we even had Halloween parties, (I know we were heathens) every year in the gathering rooms. I enjoyed the early years of my church upbringing, although the church has been demolished,I can close my eyes and walk the halls and winding staircases to my favorite places like I was just there. I loved walking in and seeing "shorty" a 6'7 older man who always had candy in his pocket for me and a hug. I grew up with girls who understood being picked on b/c we weren't Baptist like everyone else. We were a team and we had wonderful fellowship for a while.
It was a church that had many preachers pass through the doors. At some point, they stopped passing through, and the church disbanded. We eventually moved to Tennessee where you could spit and hit a Church of Christ. I was amazed at how they were on every corner. It seemed the fellowship was different, and I never fit in after the day I argued with my Sunday school teacher. Little did I know that was the beginning of the road to being an outcast.
I immersed myself into the youth group at my church, converted my boyfriend, did as I was told and one simple question marked me. The mark has stayed with me and I continue to question what feels wrong when Gods word is being used to hurt people. My teacher exclaimed that dancing was a sin, caused people to sin and would send us to hell. I simply asked, "All dancing? What about ballette, or clogging? " I didn't understand how these out of a few would lead to sin. Challenging the way she was dressed next didn't help my inquiry as I pointed out that showing one's cleavage in a dress could also lead to sinful thoughts, though modesty is subjective it seemed. I stopped going to Sunday school not long after.
It lead me to want to understand why we thought as we did and so I started my path of religious studies. In a grand summary the different religions struck me as being ideologies enacted by those not happy or in disagreement with what their practitioners were teaching. For example, Henry the 8th started the Church of England so he could divorce his first wife. It was little to do with God and more to do with his lustfulness and vanity. So could it be said that those still worshipping being brought up in such a doctrine are also buying in and supporting this behavior? From there on learning how denominations have severed ties with their core belief and started different factions and what their new beliefs became the more I supported what I was raised in. Even though I completely disagreed with the arguments of the past, I didn't see a need to judge or form my own church. I was also preparing for a deeper understanding of my own faith.
When I was pregnant with my daughter my husband at the time and I became members of a church that would ultimately help me find who I am. I had never felt more welcomed anywhere and still to this day never heard sermons that shook me to the depths of my heart. Being 22 and 5 months pregnant I was scared of the mom I would be as I felt I barely knew myself. I was married to an emotionally abusive man and felt unloved hoping this miracle in my belly would fill that void. Then came the Sunday sermon that changed everything.
Sitting in the pew I was excited the lesson would be on parental love. God's parental love. Without recanting the sermon, the gist was, " look at your child, or mothers fixing to bare a child, think of the love for this unborn baby...... " After a brief moment of silence the words came out that will forever ring in my ears, " How much do you love your child? Now imagine, God loves you infinitely more, there is no number no condition, its so great a love, we will never comprehend... so how could we not love ourselves? How can we not value our own heart and mind, how can we not love unconditionally and forgive?" Those words burned on to my heart and my view of God and others would never be the same.
A few years down the road after having my son and going through a divorce I met my now husband. He showed me how religious piety had pushed him away from knowing God. It saddened me to think that he didn't have the same words etched on his heart. I could understand why he felt the way he did about himself and life b/c he didn't know how much he was truly loved. Without it, I would have been in the same boat, being cast aside by fellow christians who also didn't understand this type of agape love. Again religion was failing its people. It was the start of it failing me.
I moved away from my amazing church in 2012 when I married my husband. I was eager to find a church and hopefully get him involved at some point in time. I was unprepared for what was to come, with such things, one is never really prepared. In my naivety I figured a similar church would have a similar message with as much support. I wanted to start a ladies group for divorced single moms and reach out to those lost with little hope left. God had other plans. It wasn't long before my parents fell ill and ultimately just months apart passed away.
Through taking care of them in their illnesses I would pray that I would hear a message in church those Sundays that would be uplifting and carry me through another week. What I kept hearing was how we members needed to budget to tithe more. I learned that supporting the growth of said church to bring in more followers was more important than having a cushion for emergencies. I learned when I reached out for help and prayers, no one answered. The more I tried to involve myself hoping they would put that effort into a member, the more I was let down and discouraged. Discouragement is the beginning of the worst that can become of a Christian and religion was failing me.
I was kicked out of a Wednesday night bible class, then completely judged b/c I called out a group of members meeting to figure out how to "rid our city of pagans" . That was my mic drop moment to which in a nutshell said no one was following the new testament law that Jesus asked of us to teach and spread. I felt shame for them and pity that they did not know God's love, b/c you know what... he loves the pagans too. When I announced that they had been too busy asking for money they didn't need and riding the world of those different, they failed their members in need of support, and drove out part of their flock. My words were water on a rock and I was heart sick.
I decided not to give up on going to church, so I tried on another congregation. They were so good to my mom while she was sick, bringing her the lord's supper on Sundays and having fellowship. I thought surely this would be the place for me. Maybe my mind wasn't as open as it had been, there was a lot on it, but again I was let down, and religion was failing me. I was chastised by the church secretary in front of the entire balcony b/c I wasn't filling out attendance cards. I had never been so embarrassed at church... and I have farted in the quietest of times after prayers, this was worse. It was addressed to me as a shameful abhorrent transgression. Stupid silly ole me, I came to church, I worshipped, I tithed.... I failed. Those damn attendance cards.
I for the most part ceased to attend that church not long after. I started to realize that God's word was in my heart and my actions, not inside of a building and its people. I know some will see this as total heresy. I wouldn't try to make one see something they can not, but when do we stop to work on what is truly killing christianity, it's people. The message is being lost, and religion is failing us all. We are using articles of faith as a tool supporting an agenda to make people complicite to an ideology that has very little to do with what God would have of us. Jesus travelled and brought his word to the people, he is the example we are instructed to follow. I have found growing older that when I hike, I feel his presence and love more so than sitting with a group of people that have no intention getting to know me. I see God's love in my son when he gives a bag of necessities to a desperate cold homeless man and in the eyes of that man when his faith that has been chipped away is being replenished.
I see religion in actions, I see love in how we tithe not ripping a check from my checkbook and passing a cold hungry man on the side of the road. I see Jesus in how we love others, and that love creating a curiosity that wants to know more about this man and his love. If God loves us more than we can comprehend the love for our children, family, bestfriend, how can we continue to ignore such an emotion only to replace it with what we are comfortable with. It's scary to love someone or something different that we don't understand. It is hard to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, but it never stopped Jesus, so it shouldn't stop us.
I leave you the reader with this, I may not know you, but I know in ways I am not aware of you have suffered, know you are not alone and I love you, as God also loves you. I love you if you are gay, straight, black, white, mexican, asian, Catholic or Protestant, I love you though you may hate me, hate those I love, hate yourself... you are still much loved. We can not fail each other in love and forbearance. We can't continue to look beyond those who make us uncomfortable, but become uncomfortable in order to understand how to help. Religion was not designed to fail its people.
" Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." John 15:12: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."
