So.... tomorrow is my birthday, oh JOY! Insert sarcasm in there. Geeze the first without mom... the first without mom and daddy... it feels so lonely. I won't be alone, my husband who is super amaze balls, took all 3 of my kids to get a special gift for me last week, they are excited... I just can't get into it. I jam packed my day full of doctors appointments and things to keep myself from staying in bed all day, b/c if I didn't I know that is where I would be. The woman who labored and worked with no meds is gone, the man who couldn't remember which day it was b/c he had Alzheimer's so he sent me a card every week in January is gone. It sucks. I'm not an orphan yet I feel so orphaned.
Last year I knew it would be my last birthday with momma, I hoped it wouldn't be but in my gut I knew that was it. She did all the work to get me here so I wanted to do it up special for her. I had lee make her favorite dish, her favorite everything, I went and picked her up from the nursing home and we had the best birthday I ever had with my momma. She even said on the way back to Adams Place that she can't remember a better birthday she had spent with anyone. It was so awesome we stayed out so late .... well... we got locked out. Oh lord have mercy did we laugh, and laugh... for the longest at how I finally got momma in trouble! I never had such a funny memorable birthday! It was bitter sweet.
This year is bitter. At least mom could cushion the blow of losing daddy last year and the month being so barren of his calls and cards and love. This year it feels so empty, so hollow. I don't want to be without them... they made me... and they gave me so much. I don't want to take away the good intentions that my friends and family have in wanting to be there, it's for them as much as it is for me to give the comfort but this year I just want to hide from the world. But me... being a pusher... I have pushed myself to fill a schedule to get through the day. It's the same as I did for Christmas and TG, just fill the day full of everything to put the thought of what it really is in the back of my head... though it I know will be in the forefront.
I haven't posted much lately... it's been too hard, but I needed to get this out. I may not post much for a while after this. For now, I am still broken, sad, lonely in a crowd of friends and family, its hard. I still dream that I am taking care of mom and in some ways wish I was b/c at least I could hug her or talk to her... its so hard. Sometimes I am jealous of ppl who don't have these emotions when their loved ones die, they don't have to suffer through this pain, but then too I know, GOD... How lucky I am to have had such wonderful loving powerful parents who gave me my heart, my strength, my depth of emotion... a legacy to carry on and give to my babies. They just never knew how completely wonderful they were, how much I loved them, how much my heart aches for them, how blessed they made me. I am so sad b/c I was so blessed. I wish I had more time with them, but I wouldn't trade a second of what I did have.
So, mom... happy birthing day in heaven... thank you for making me strong and independent... I would have never gotten through being a single mom and keeping my home and everything without what you taught me. Daddy... God I miss you so bad every day!! You are my best friend.. every day I miss you, this month without your calls and cards has been rough. I know you are with me... I just wish I could hug you and hear you call me babycakes. You and momma taught me forgiveness, and true acceptance of people no matter who they are, what they believed, or where they came from. I know that your jobs where done and God brought you both home. I just wasn't ready... I suppose I never would have been.
